Help i'm worried

[Crystal Taylor]

Hello, i'm new to the site and i'm looking for some help dealing with my loss. My loss is not as specific as many people who have lost some"one". Years ago when I was little I had a very loving father and brother and perfect life. There was so much LOVE and connection, fun and joy.. and each day I did everything with both of them. Later in life around pre-teen age all of that was ripped away from me and I became numb, forgetting about the good times and those people. It was only recently that it all came rushing back and now all i can think about is what I lost, who I lost (my brother and dad) and that life I used to have.

My difficulty comes in a couple of things, one is the feeling like I want to live back in my childhood again during the happy times with my brother and dad.  I don't want to be here and now anymore because they're not here now. I want to reject this reality here and now and go back there. The only comfort I get is living in the "memories" causing me to just sit in one spot all day staring into space. But living in the memories also brings me the pain of reminding me i'm not physically living them anymore. Every time I dare try to be in the present I suddenly feel like nothing here matters and there's nothing here to look forward to or be happy about simply because it's not my childhood with my brother and dad, because they're not here. Is this normal and will it pass?

My second issue is a fear I have accompanied with this. When my grieving process does complete and end, whether it be weeks from now or years from now, i'm afraid that I will never feel passion for my life here and now anymore. I'm afraid that once i've moved on from the past I long for so much and stop longing for it, that I will still feel like my current life is empty, like I won't want it ever again. Will I ever be happy in my current life without everything I had back then?

[Laurene Johnson]

Grief is a process, and over time the chances we make things will improve, did you lose your family or do you no longer have a relationship. Moving forward is one step in healing and happiness can only come from you. Many times I wanted my old life back after I lost my Husband, but knowing that was not going to happen held me back. I now try to find one happy thing I like to do that I did not do with him, each day I try to find joy in something. Remember one day at a time.

[Crystal Taylor]

You could say that. I just want to know that i'm not going to be like this forever. I want to enjoy something again. Thank you for replying, I'm a little afraid to enjoy something that i didn't enjoy with them because i fear it will take me away from them.

[maryellenmcquown]

it will come when enjoy things grief takes time 

[Sharon]

I mourn for my past, too.  I've lost many aunts and uncles and even a cousin. We had family traditions, holidays,, weddings, births, celebrations.  They have all died.  Those days are gone.  I understand we have to mourn our childhood memories as much as we mourn people we have lost.  It's a normal part of grieving and moving on. We eventually remember those days lovingly, the good times, and the things that made us, us.  We have to look to today and our future and find what makes us happy, loved, and joyful now.  The past is gone.  We need to mourn it, and move on.  It's a process and doesn't happen smoothly, there are ups and downs, but you will move on.

 

[Nitya Chandra]

Hi Crystal,
I don't know if you still check this forum, but I wanted to reach out.
I lost my brother 10 years ago and he was my everything... Is my everything. I completely do what you do where I wish I could go back in time. Sometimes getting lost in my dreams and wishing I could never wake up from them.
You have to keep talking about it and finding a place to share, you can't bottle it all in. So, coming here was a great thing.
About the second concern of finally feeling okay, I think if you keep trying to live your life the best you can this will help you. Don't let your sadness effect your happiness in the future. Fight through it... Some days will be harder than others, but when they are... Write.come here, or chat with a friend. Help yourself get through the pain.. So you can move on.
The pain will never leave

And the loss with pinch you, but you have to allow yourself to build and grow with it. Let it inspire you to make yourself happy.

You can email me at [e-mail] and I will always be there to listen.

My love,
NC

[Monica Brown]

Hello My name is Monica, I am also new to this site. I am also worried. I wish I could give you the advice and words of wisdom that you desperately need. I can relate to the story of your life, I lost my mother, who was my best friend and my everything. One week after her funeral, my younger brother Steven died of an accidental overdose. He was my my rock, he could always make me laugh. I counted on that. So, within 2 weeks half of my family was dead, gone forever. I feel like I am existing, not living. I can't enjoy life, I am numb. You couldn't have said it better... About how your life will be empty, passionless, I want to go back to being happy, I want to live again. It will be 4 years in October and I am stuck emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. "I want to reject this reality here and now and go back there" I feel the same! It seems that my family & friends have given up on me, they have all went back to living their lives, they are happy, they are actually living and I am stuck on the outside, alone, lost, scared of what I might do. I am helpless, hopeless, I am living a lie, I am in my own personal Hell and no one understands.
I wanted to share my life story with you because it seems we are both WORRIED and can relate to each others loss's. Please don't think I am taking away from your story, your pain, your reality. It has inspired me, maybe we aren't alone???