GriefHope

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i don't know how to cope with the loss of my father

it has been twenty days since my stepfather passed away. The flurry of family members in my house swelled then subsided. even with thirty people in our living room, the house feels empty without him.

Earlier tonight, i checked to see if my eleven year old sister (i am eighteen, by the way) was asleep and i found her sobbing into her pillow. I don't know when it will stop hurting. I don't know when everything will be okay, or if it ever will.

When we buried him, i couldn't bring myself to believe the sad wooden coffin contained the husk of a man who had so much life in him. I feel hollow and empty knowing that i'll never hear his voice of see his face again, that the last time i saw it, he was lying in a coffin, looking pale and uneasy. 

In just over two days, i will return to school, my final year of highschool. it takes hours of effort just to get out of bed. I already struggled with school before this. I can already envision my grades plummetting, myself shutting down. i don't know what i can do to prevent this.

And i don't know why i'm writing this. At 1am. On easter. I don't know if i'm expecting a response, or if i'm expecting this to make it easier. maybe i just needed to express my thoughts.

I miss him so much. Everything is changed and i don't know how to cope or process it. i just distract myself until all the sadness and hurt hits me all at once.

Rest in peace, Skipper. I know i was one of the only people who called you that, but you wouldnt have it any other way.

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How are you coping now? Lost my dad 3 weeks ago today and the pain seems to be getting worse.

Sorry to say that what you describe seems so right to me.  I think it is good to write/type out your thoughts. It might help. You are young and I wish I could give you a gift of my wisdom of age about it all. Just put one foot in front of the other is all I know. Focus on the good memories and look for signs to give yourself comfort (maybe).  My dad saved wheat leaf pennies.  Sometimes I find one.  The people who don't say much are probably those who know most about loss (maybe).  

I’m so sorry for your loss! I lost my wife to a dreadful disease on November 5th and can understand your feeling of loss. However, your letter makes me think of how my youngest son is feeling. He’s 20 and never knew a Mom who was healthy because she had an extended illness over a 25 year period. He came home from college yesterday and wanted to go to our local grocery store. I wasn’t sure why but when he got there he said he wanted to buy flowers for Mom’s grave. I could have cried on the spot. We bought two sets of the same flowers, put one on her grave, and he wished her Merry Christmas. It was a moment with my son I’ll never forget. Thinking back on it now makes me cry. He loved her so much and called her Momma.
We brought the other home with us and feel it’s way of sharing Christmas day with her.
I’ll say a prayer for you and your family! As a Dad it’s nice to know kids love their Dads so much. I’ll bet he knew you loved him! God Bless!
Carl

Sorry for the late response, truthfully i'd forgotten about this post until today.

Coping was tough for a very long time, and i think the strange thing about grief is you don't even realise it's gotten easier until months after it already has. it started with small things, i started showering regularly, my appetite returned, when i laughed it stopped feeling so jarring and wrong.  Living with loss & grief was something i expected to happen over night, but it happened without me even knowing.

There isn't a definitive guide to grief and no amount of well wishes or advice is going to change that, but there are ways to help life be a little easier without your loved one. I started with simple self care. Once every now and then, when i had the energy, i'd wash my face. or read a couple book pages. or draw. or made a cup of tea. It sounds cliche and a little stupid but the only way i could get to sleep every night without shame or nightmares was to sit down and think "hey, you made a cup of tea today! you got out of bed! and that's something" 

I wish you all the best in what is bound to be some of the hardest months of your life. You are already so much stronger than you realise and i hope you can find solace when i tell you that almost 3 years after i made this post, im happy. genuinely. Life will never be the same as it was with my dad around but i see him every day in the birds outside my window, and in the sunshine, in myself, in my sisters, in all the people that had the pleasure to have known him.
Kim Sansotta said:

How are you coping now? Lost my dad 3 weeks ago today and the pain seems to be getting worse.

It's been a few years since my inital post and im very thankfully doing a lot better! There were certainly lots of ups and downs (many, many, downs) but i am lucky enough to have learnt to live with grief and with loss! these are such kind words and thank you for taking the time to write out such thoughtful advice, i wish you all the best in your journey <3

Josephine Bowman said:

Sorry to say that what you describe seems so right to me.  I think it is good to write/type out your thoughts. It might help. You are young and I wish I could give you a gift of my wisdom of age about it all. Just put one foot in front of the other is all I know. Focus on the good memories and look for signs to give yourself comfort (maybe).  My dad saved wheat leaf pennies.  Sometimes I find one.  The people who don't say much are probably those who know most about loss (maybe).  

Hi Carl! this is such a lovely story <3 I turn 20 in a week and this resonates so deeply. My first christmas without my dad was so incredibly tough. It felt wrong to be celebrating without him. Now, a couple years on, we've learnt that more than anything the holiday season is about embracing your loved ones, he was such a family man and it would be a disservice for him to not make the most of eachother's company while we have it.

in almost 3 years without my dad, especially at my age, i've had to go through so many big life milestones without him and i found it hard initially as every big event in rapid succession felt like the universe was mocking me, or somthing. It's undoubtedly a very tough time for the both of you, but having eachother there through all of it will help so much, i'm still so thankful for my mum's support in that time, even if i didn't have the words to tell her at the time. It seems like your son has so much love for you and i wish you both the best in your shared journey of learning to live with loss, if either of you ever need someone to talk to or want to ask questions to someone who's been in a similar situation please don't hesitate to send me a message !

Merry Christmas

Carl said:

I’m so sorry for your loss! I lost my wife to a dreadful disease on November 5th and can understand your feeling of loss. However, your letter makes me think of how my youngest son is feeling. He’s 20 and never knew a Mom who was healthy because she had an extended illness over a 25 year period. He came home from college yesterday and wanted to go to our local grocery store. I wasn’t sure why but when he got there he said he wanted to buy flowers for Mom’s grave. I could have cried on the spot. We bought two sets of the same flowers, put one on her grave, and he wished her Merry Christmas. It was a moment with my son I’ll never forget. Thinking back on it now makes me cry. He loved her so much and called her Momma.
We brought the other home with us and feel it’s way of sharing Christmas day with her.
I’ll say a prayer for you and your family! As a Dad it’s nice to know kids love their Dads so much. I’ll bet he knew you loved him! God Bless!
Carl

Oh sorry to hear that. This loss can not be compensated.

Undoubtedly, it is a great loss for you. May his soul rest in peace. You should take care of your younger ones. Whenever you should feel grief play some games like assassin creed pirates Mod APK 

Great loss. However, I would recommend you to read the five people you meet in heaven

i lost my father when i was 13 from that time i couldn't talk to anyone about him i would fall silent nod and walk out of the room i don't even know why i'm writing here and now i hear it your words and I can tell you something that I wouldnt do again if I could over these long years, like just distract myself until all the sadness and hurt hits me all at once, but take every opportuny and courage to talk of him a lot of people that care of me

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