I lost my dad in April. He had lung cancer which spread to the brain. I was nineteen at the time. His personality changed, and the treatment altered him permanently. He had no quality of life by the end, he lost his mind and it was so, so hard to witness. We cared for him at home, and he died surrounded by his family.
The primary emotion I felt was relief; relief that his suffering was over, that he could finally be free. Months have passed and I've felt numb, but now I miss him so much I feel like this yawning, yearning chasm in my core is going to tear me open. I have had a total loss of confidence; I've been having anxiety attacks since the diagnosis turned from curative to terminal, and especially since his death. I never thought it possible to feel this much emotion at one time; I love him so much, and I literally can't breathe when the reality of his death hits me.
I feel like I have grown apart from some of the most important people in my life, because they have no comprehension of what I'm going through. I have an incredible supportive family but I live away from them and we are all dealing with our grief in our own way; I do talk to them about Dad and about losing him.
I guess I joined this site to reach out, to see if anyone understands, has been through a similar experience.