just wanting to feel normal again

[denise]

I lost my dad 11/13/13.  I am an only child and my dad raised me on his own since i was 3. He was my best friend and confidant and my world came to a halt the day he died.  My 3 children were extremely close to him also and i feel i have concentrated so much on their healing that  i haven't begun mine.  His death was so unexpected he hadnt prepared at all so i kept busy dealing with all the loose ends and now  that thing  have slowed down it feels like its just now hitting me.  

On november 13 i had talked to my dad at 430pm he had gotten another call and said he would  call me back.  I hsdnt heard from him by the end o  the work day so i tried calling him on my way home, it is  not unusual for.him to leave his cell phone at home while he runs out so i wasnt alarmed.  I tried several more time  to call with no answer so i decided to drive the 2 miles over to his house, my boyfriend offered to go an  i have let him in the past but for some reason i declined the offer threw on my slippers and drove over...this is when my life changed forever.  I found my dad outside with his dog on his front  sidewalk.  I crawled on the ground by him and called 911 but he was already gone.  I cant get this image out of my head.

With it happening so suddenly im having bad anxiety when i dont feel well like im gonna die next which i know is irrational but i cant help it. Has anyone else had this happen to them? Im just tired of feeling  sick and tired and i know he would hate for me to feel like this.  Any advice would be appreciated

[Judy Davidson]

Hi Denise,

Thank you for sharing your story.  I'm so sorry to hear about your father.  It sounds like you really had a close relationship.  I hope the positive memories outshine the sadness of the loss (which is completely normal).  Grief isn't a straight line but more like a bowl of spaghetti!?  I know from firsthand experience that communication is key to recovery so you're doing a great thing by sharing your thoughts and feelings.  Reach out to other members and in the chat room.  You can also find a local grief group through www.GriefShare.org 

Take good care of yourself FIRST it sounds like your 3 children are doing as well as can be expected.  I pray this site provides Help for Today & Hope for Tomorrow.

Gratefully,

Judy

Founding GHN member

[maryellenmcquown]

thing will normal agian but it what they call a new normal 

[Susan Coppola]

What a horrible way to find your father. That is so traumatic. I don't think your dad would hate you for feeling the loss and grief for him. I also feel anxiety almost to the point of panic attacks at times. I lost my dad last December. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in November 2013, it got to the point where he couldn't even get water down. He went into the hospital twice in November. We found out it was in his liver and spleen before they even started chemo. He didn't want to start chemo at that point, we took him home and he died right after Thanksgiving. I was blessed to be with him when he died, I stayed at my parents house day and night. Luckily I have friends that kept my son during that time. Being a single mom doesn't give much time for greiving and now I'm feeling the physical payback for not taking care of myself. My son was very close to his grandpa too. My dad was my rock and sometimes I feel so lost now that he's gone. 

[Lulu]

Im so sorry for you loss Denise it reminds a bit of when my father passed away. Except he was found by strangers then we got a knock on the door it was the police. Its normal the feelings you are experiencing its going to take time so try and hold on tight to anything positive you have in your life right now. Reading books that are comforting in grief do help. Try attending a grief group in your area i found that to be very helpful with my loss. Take care.

[Jenni]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother suddenly in 2011 when I was only 28. She had cancer, but she died of a hernia she had been hiding from me. I held her hand as she died, and that image is always going to be cemented into my brain and nothing can change that.

I can sort of understand your feeling like you're going to die next. My mom was my best friend, we were almost like twins. I feel like I'm destined to live the same life as her, and I'm so scared of going down the same path as her. I get stomach pains frequently and I'm terrified it's cancer like she had or a hernia like she had. I go to doctors to rule out any problems and I'm always fine, but I can't stop the anxiety that something is wrong with me and I'm going to die younger than I should, because my mom did.

I wish I could tell you how to feel better, but 3 years later I'm a wreck. I'm still putting on the strong front for my family because I'm the one that keeps it all together, I have to be. Locally I have a women's support group for women that have lost mothers, you may want to seek out a group for loss of fathers or parents in general. If you let them help (that's my hard part), they are actually very helpful. Everybody needs a safe place to cry and let out the feelings, which can be hard at home around your family.