Lost my dad to suicide 3 months ago, still can't deal with it

[Beth]

I lost my father 3 months ago to suicide. I feel insanely sad about the situation, i wish i could have more time with him. He was only 55, and I couldn't see him for a long time, since i had to move in another country with my mother and his abusive husband. I was not allowed to choose my father to live with due to young age. He was all alone since my grandmother died 3 years ago. I just turned 18, so sadly, I was not allowed to travel alone to my home country. His other children from an other marriage never visited him, never called him. I knew he was extremely sad and depressed, even though he always sounded so happy trough our phone calls. The day i got the heartbreaking phone call from my aunt, i instantly passed out and cried for a whole week. I could not believe my hero was gone, and i still begin to cry everytime i think about him. He was the only one who truly understood me. I always try to think about the perfect memories and funny stories we had, but as soon as I go to bed and close my eyes, the same, unbearable dream pops up. I find myself in my grandmothers house (where my father committed suicide), i see him sitting in his chair, smiling at me. One second later, I'm all alone in the cold house, trying to reach him, calling his name while the unstoppable crying and pain eats me from the inside. I would give anything to see him, hug him or hear his voice. The pain is insane, I'm a mess.
I wanted to share my story, because i feel insanely lost and nothing helps, so I thought, maybe i should seek for help where people are fighting with the same painful situation just as I do.
All the love and support, Beth

[AniLo]

Beth, suicide is the worst!  My father chose this out, as well.  What a blessing that he still smiles at you in your memories!  You called him your hero.  Can you share some memories?

AniLo (I am His)

[Dennis]

Hi Beth, so sorry for your loss sweet Angel, I lost my mother a month ago I know what you're going through please stay strong and positive it's gonna get better, , please do get comfort in knowing everyday is different and you can never tell what's going to happen tomorrow or days to come after tomorrow too. Choose Love, joy and peace at all times you have your whole beautiful life ahead of you. Remember that nothing stays the same it's gonna get better and you'll be fine in time. Please hang in there you gonna be just fine because your Dad is your Guardian Angel now, he's ok where he is and will protect you and guide you to a path that will lead you to reaching your goals in your life, he Loves you and will never forsake you, he took his own life because he, himself could not cope, he was away from you when he was on this world but he's with you now and indeed he's your Guardian Angel sweet Beth. Hope you heal and please go to Church, and learn to pray it helps, it really does because right now you need spiritual support. Also, ask your mother to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible to get professional help so you can know how to deal with this situation. I wasn't a church goer at all but because I need get my spirit cleansed, and to work on my healing emotion ally and otherwise, I went to go seek or ok sessional help and it's helping me a lot. You're 18 now if you have other relatives (not sure how you're related to your aunt) you can lean on, please ask to be with them for the support you need. Stay strong and till next time, Good bye Beth. Dennis