GriefHope

Help for today & Hope for tomorrow

My son committed suicide on March 20

My son shot himself in our home as six of his close friends entered his room. The grief is unbearable and the pain I feel for these teens is just as bad. The world is moving on but I'm stuck in the moment he left.

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It is always going to feel like the world keeps moving while you stay stuck. That is when you have to catch yourself and try to keep going for those around you. Even for his friends.

Hi Wanda,

I always feel like a knife has gone through my heart every time I hear, read, or see a mom saying those words.  This is the first time I have ever posted anything but I want to post this in hopes you will find it some time in the future and that it might help you feel like you are not alone.  I lost my son, Burke, almost 7  months ago.  My daughter and I found him dead in his room after overdosing on xanax he had purchased from a darknet drug market.  We have realized that the trauma of finding him dead in his room at home, as well as the fact that my husband and I still live in our home, just makes the whole grieving process harder and more lengthy.   When I read your post, I thought that you might be suffering in this way.  I think a feeling of isolation is one of the hardest things to overcome after losing a child.  The root cause of my feeling like the world is moving on without me has something to do with guilt.  The guilt is just worse for some people who lose kids because the mythology is that parents can control everything in the universe and, therefore, these tragedies can be prevented.  I just read a post where the mom was saying "if I hadn't bought that truck."  Believe me, in the time Burke had moved back home with us before his death, I did everything I could do within the context of the information that I had, to keep him safe.  Im sure you did the same.  He was 23 and I was driving him to and from college everyday to try and protect him from the bad people in his world.  A day or two after we found him I told my husband, "If I had taken that door off the hinges he would still be alive!"

Now I think back on that and realize how distorted my grasp on reality had become.  I was walking on eggshells with my son trying to keep him alive.  I would have done anything, including die myself, to save him.  Unfortunately, we are never given every piece of truthful information to act on in these situations.  The last night of Burke's life, a "friend" picked him up early from school, drove him to the ups store where he picked up the drugs that would later kill him from a p o box.  I have read so many similar stories.  I still spend a good part of the day thinking about Burke.  I find the most comfort in talking to other Mom's who have been through this nightmare too.  So many of them say that you never completely get over this horrible thing that has happened.  Its just the worst thing a parent can endure.  But, they also say, that over time, the horrible raw pain subsides and moving past that event in your life becomes easier.  I am anxiously awaiting that time.  I hope you are doing better now.  

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