Shouldn't I feel worse?

[Schieber]

I lost my father in a tragic accident in December. The first few days after his death were horrible. I had trouble eating and sleeping. I traveled home for the service, spent a good week with my Mom and family. The service was extremely difficult. I live out of state and hadn't been home in years. Even when I knew my Father's health was deteriorating, I didn't make time to go home. I hate myself for that now.
My problem is, since I've come home, I've had brief periods of grief and mourning. But I feel like it's still a dream. Am I in the stage of denial? Why don't I feel more sad? And how long will it take to hit me? Is it because I've been so removed geographically from my family that this loss has not hit me harder? I feel ashamed with how calm I am at most times. I feel like I should be grieving harder. Can anyone relate, or am I a selfish monster?

[Zara]

I just wrote I really long reply but I'm not sure if it went through, so I'll just do a brief summary. No you're not wrong or selfish in any way. I went through the same struggle. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and won't be with us much longer. I'm 13. When I first found out, I sobbed for hours, but then all the sudden it stopped. I couldn't muster up any more emotion. My parents made me go to school the next day and I was terrified by how normal I felt, and by my ability hide it from my friends. I felt guilty whenever I felt happy. I felt like I should always be miserable. After a long talk with my siblings I realized that it's ok to be selfish. However you're feeling is perfectly ok and there's no right and wrong when it comes to grief. I try to process when I can to make it easier once he dies, but other than that I learned to be ok with how I feel. I shouldn't make myself miserable for the sake of others. I'm going through crap and if I need to drown it work as a distraction I will, but if I need to relax for a day to make me feel better I will. If I feel I want to sit down and process for a bit I will. Do what you think will make this the easiest for you. (No matter what it won't be easy, but it's a decision between bad and worst). It's ok to be selfish