Celebrated mother's day today with my husband's family. His mother, aunt, and grandmother all present. While I feel loved and welcome, I can't help but to shake the overwhelming feeling of loneliness after losing my mother late last summer ...and my grandmother 2 weeks after. In the last two years I've lost both of my parents and my two grandmothers (grandfather's have been passed for a while now). I felt I was able to grieve easily for my grandfather's because I had the support of my family. Now that I have none left, it's a new world. A dark and terrifying one.
I'm only 32. I finally obtained my degree just weeks ago. I won't walk in my graduation, it's just too painful; I feel like there's no one on my team anymore. No one will be there to be proud of me, who truly knows how hard I've worked.
I was thinking about starting a family soon but who will I call on to answer odd questions about pregnancy, raising an infant, or what to do if I can't soothe him/her?
I feel lost. Alone. Losing purpose. Losing myself.
Today was partially hard. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. I miss all of the women in my family so deeply that my chest and head hurt from all the silent crying. They were the only ones who truly knew me, I feel like no one really does or ever will like they did.