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First Mother's Day without my mom.

Celebrated mother's day today with my husband's family. His mother, aunt, and grandmother all present. While I feel loved and welcome, I can't help but to shake the overwhelming feeling of loneliness after losing my mother late last summer ...and my grandmother 2 weeks after. In the last two years I've lost both of my parents and my two grandmothers (grandfather's have been passed for a while now). I felt I was able to grieve easily for my grandfather's because I had the support of my family. Now that I have none left, it's a new world. A dark and terrifying one.

I'm only 32. I finally obtained my degree just weeks ago. I won't walk in my graduation, it's just too painful; I feel like there's no one on my team anymore. No one will be there to be proud of me, who truly knows how hard I've worked.
I was thinking about starting a family soon but who will I call on to answer odd questions about pregnancy, raising an infant, or what to do if I can't soothe him/her?

I feel lost. Alone. Losing purpose. Losing myself.

Today was partially hard. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. I miss all of the women in my family so deeply that my chest and head hurt from all the silent crying. They were the only ones who truly knew me, I feel like no one really does or ever will like they did.

Views: 36

Comment by BILLY J ALVERSON JR on October 29, 2019 at 12:39pm

i celebrated many without mine here favorite song kenny rogers you decorated my life

Comment by BILLY J ALVERSON JR on October 29, 2019 at 12:40pm

i play that song often in memory of her

Comment by Edward Janne on January 14, 2020 at 12:44pm

Dear Dianna, your grief really speaks to me. Our parents (and grandparents, if they played a significant role in our development) are our foundations and are very large parts of whom we become. I lost my mother when I was 29 to pancreatic cancer. I was not close to my father or my grandparents, or any of my extended family, so loosing her was basically like loosing all connection with my past. I felt for years like I didn’t know who I was, and really had to struggle to redefine myself. It wasn’t enough that I was in a loving and very intimate relationship with my husband. It was as if I had been doing everything because of her, whether succeeding or rebelling, and then suddenly that impetus was gone. I can’t say that it was easy, or that I “got over it.” It literally took me a decade to climb out of the depression I suffered over loosing her, but it DID make me a stronger person, and it helped me to cope with my husband’s declining health and death, because I knew that if I could survive the death of my foundation, I could survive anything. I could only look to myself to get me through the emotional turmoil of my husband’s death. And I did, and that is OK.

Please reach out to some grief groups. I found them immensely helpful. Spending some time in a group who are going through the same or similar trauma allows you a safe place to grieve openly. It reassures you that you are not alone, and yet with people who will give you the space to walk in your own grief at your own pace.

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