GriefHope

Help for today & Hope for tomorrow

Its been 3 weeks. My son died on the morning of the 26th of October 2018, 5 months. I'm fed up with this feeling of loss. I can't stop blaming myself for having lost him. I woke up one morning and put him between my bed and the baby bay and went downstairs to sleep. I hadn't slept in many months, since the husband left the house and did not support me enough with the baby. I was left as a single mom and the job was very hard on me. I went downstairs for an hour to come back "re-energised" and found my baby not breathing, he looked peaceful as if just asleep. I tried CPR and called 911 they reanimated him but he died in my arms a coupe of days later.

I believe that wouldn't have happened if I would have stayed. Everybody wants to tell me that we can't always foresee the dangers, especially as a single mom you can't always be with your child. I deliberately had refused to stay with him because I had needed more sleep. And I oversaw a gap between my bed and the wall, where he got stuck. His little head and arms were lying on the mattress whereas his little butt was facing the wall. The police can't give a clue if it was suffocation or anything alike, they even say there is no evidence for this after examinations.

I had felt that morning a pinch on my breast that I ignored because I was tired and he ate a lot. I went down from 77kg (pregnancy weight) to 55 kg. My normal weight is 60kg. I had a STRONG feeling that my selfishness led to this horrible accident and I can't stop having these thoughts. If I would have stayed Id still be the happy mother I was with her beautiful son. I miss him eternally, I am looking for answers why this happened?? I didn't have a good relationship with his dad, and after giving birth things got horrible between him and I. He wouldn't stop partying and left me alone for most of the times, because as he'd say thats who I am and I won't change. Bloody asshole I still have a lot of anger towards him. And on top losing my baby because I was alone with him makes me feel like a failure.

I have started to forget how he felt like, my baby, and life has become tedious and meaningless. I want my baby back and I know he won't ever return to me. It's me who will follow one day, and I don't even know to what, how and where. Many years may pass and I won't have answers or at least peace.

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