I am lost and feel like Death is tearing me apart

[Rose Butcher]

Let me start off by saying that I am 33 years old. When I was 16 my dad passed away. His birthday is Feb 6th. I have 8 brothers and sisters and 33 nieces and nephews. So we decided that we would have a surprise birthday party for him on Feb 9th. We had a wonderful birthday party and celebrated his life. It was just 3 hours after we all left and he had passed away watching Jackie Chan.  At 17 I was dating this amazing guy and had no clue he was depressed. It happened 6 days before prom that he hung himself in a horse barn. In between 17 and 23 I had dealt with 4 deaths. In 2004 my life changed forever! My mom, my best friend, confidant, rock, had passed away. My mom was my hero and best friend. When I felt like the world was against me I knew that my mom was with me no matter what. My life had turned upside down. I didn't know where to go who to turn to who to trust or let in. Well I had researched grief support chat rooms and 6 months after my mom died I had met a woman who became my 2nd mother, best friend and the list could go on. She was in the chat room because her granddaughter was murdered on new years eve. We talked about 6 or 7 times a day and sometimes hours at a time. She was there for me I was there for her, we were the soul supporters of each other. We understood each other, we could say nothing and say a thousand words. December 21st 2013 I received a phone call that she had passed in her sleep. I feel lost, I feel as if I have no one, I miss our phone calls, our chats. I miss her so much and there are no words to explain the loss that I feel, nor are there words to describe how much of an amazing and wonderful she was. I don't know what to do. I'm falling into a deep depression and feel like there is no one there to catch me if I fall. My life has been nothing but death since the age of 6. I can't do it anymore. I'm scared my brothers and sisters are getting older and some of their health is not the greatest. I fear that it will be one of my sibling's next. I'm lost and need to find the strength to pick myself up and do what I have to do. Any help, suggestions, encouragement would help at this point.