I lost the love of my life three weeks ago

[Brad]

Hello. I'm new to this group and new to this level of pain and suffering. 30 years ago when i was only 14, I fell in love with a beautiful girl who would consume my entire life. We were best of friends and did everything together. Some would say we were not healthy with how much time we spent together. She was the sweetest, kindest person i ever knew. Since we were dumb kids, we got pregnant in high school. This introduced yet another interesting dynamic. It was a struggle but we worked through it and were still each others best friend. We got married a year after I got out of high school (25 years ago). We made sure we didn't just get married because we had a child together...we waited to make sure....and we were always sure. We have two children now, 27 and 17. We still, up until three weeks ago, did everything together. She was the reason I got up in the morning and the reason I hurried home after work. We talked, and cuddled, and played and hung out together all our lives. Our kids love being with us and are truly two of the most wonderful children we could have hoped for. They, like us, love being together with us. As a matter of fact we all hung out together as often as we could. That beautiful girl I fell in love with and married fought Lupus most of her life. This caused all kinds of medical issues...but never anything that we couldn't handle together. She was in the middle of fighting breast cancer (stage 1, BRCA2 positive). The double mastectomy got all the cancer and she was doing a "chemo light" every three weeks for 4 rounds...first round was just a few weeks ago. She was a trooper. She didn't have any major symptoms from chemo and was doing just fine. We were out, as a family, shopping at the mall a few Saturdays ago, when she suddenly lost motor function. We rushed her to the ER and she died shortly after. No visible brain trauma or bleeding. Autopsy is inconclusive. She was 45. Aside from the obvious cancer stuff and the Lupus...she'd been an avid exercise enthusiast. We were supposed to do the Disney Half Marathon (on the day she died) but we had to postpone because of the treatments. I don't know why she died. i guess it doesn't matter. I know that it's been three weeks and i could not stay at home without her that first week. my daughter and i jumped in the car and drove away. I cant think, i cant breathe, i cant function. The entire purpose for my life is gone. I cant avoid triggers, because everything i ever did or ever will do reminds me of her. I cant look in the mirror because it reminds me of her. i cant go to any store, restaurant or shop because we did those things together....every time. She's been gone three weeks and this is the longest we've ever been apart. I am a broken man...i don't think i'll ever be fixed. I am truly wondering if i'll ever be happy again. Thank you for letting me vent. my best and only friend is gone and i don't know what to do.

[Beth]

Brad,

  I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through. I only had my parents for 25 years. And my longest marriage has been 17 years. So like I said I can't imagine what you must feel, I lost my older brother 1/3/2017 he was 25 days shy of his 52nd birthday. I had him for 47 years and I feel like I lost my the rest of my heart. My husband and I haven't been on good terms for years. That's a story in itself that I won[t bore you with, my brother and I were very close and I know I feel lost and at times I just sit and cry. I really am sorry for your loss and I am glad to see you reach out for help. This is the first time I have joined a group. I never got over the loss of my parents and now my brother. I have one brother who is still alive but we have never been close. I am trying to get closer but again that is a story in itself, I am here if ya need to chat. And I hope this will help you heal, I know nothing takes that pain away but trust me with time it does get easier. When I lost my parents I couldn't breath. But 20 plus years later the pain has lessend. I hope to hear back from you,take care 

Beth

[Kylee]

Brad I'm so sorry about what you're going through I'm kind of in the same boat my husband passed away about a year ago April 8th I feel the pain to looking in the mirror going to the stores anything I do I walk around and I just can't get it out of my mind my husband passed away on the sidewalk in front of my house it playsand plays and plays and plays in my mind everyday I see it I try to avoid going that way I don't walk down the sidewalk that way I don't go to restaurants that we would go to together I avoid shopping at all cost because we did that stuff together you're not the only one I promise my life was turned upside down a year ago I'm still to this day having anxiety counseling is probably the best thing you can do you need to reach out you need to talk to people that are going through the same things you're going through I went back to school two weeks after my husband passed away I graduated I opened my own business I have a five-year-old daughter with him I own my house my car have to do all the yard work have to do everything around here by myself and it feels like I'm never going to get anything done I cry I get angry at him for leaving me I took too long to grief when he passed away I just bottled it all up inside it was so bad I ended up in the emergency room about a week ago was full-blown panic and anxiety of how I was going to do it how I was going to be a single mom my business my house my daughter it was all too hard for me I thought I was okay and I'm not so take time honestly take the time you need I know you have a child but honestly take the time it's better for your child in the long run and for yourself

[ofilia]

Brad where are you? I'm new to this site today's my first day. I was reading your story and I thought I was reading my own. I met my husband when I was just a few weeks before I was 17 we were together for 33 years, married for 31. I know exactly what you mean about being reminded every day there's always something there to remind us whether it's the music on the radio shows on TV the stores where we shop the streets where we drive. He passed away December 2016 and I'm still wearing black I've not worn one shred of color since he died I haven't moved anything of his in the room and the bathroom his closet is the same it comforts me somehow to mourn him . People are too much in a hurry to move on and get over it,snap out of it!! I just want to take the time to mourn him to grieve him to shed the tears that need to be shed to take my time to heal he was the best man I've ever known you don't walk away from that easily