Losing my Dad

[Chrystal]

The story about my dad's death actually begins on Mon., Sept. 8th of this year.  My parents were out to visit my fiancee & myself, & after a wonderful weekend together, we all went to bed early, knowing that mom & dad had to be at the airport early to catch their flight home.  

At about 3 a.m., mom knocked on the door of my & Tom's (my fiancee) bedroom & told us that dad was really quite sick.  We got up, took one look at dad & promptly called 911.  He was rushed to the local hospital, where it was determined that he'd had a massive heart attack.  The ER got his pain under control & then called the cardiologist, who promptly sent him to the OR upstairs for an emergency quadruple bypass surgery.  Dad was in surgery for almost 11 hours & when his surgeon finally came out, he told us that dad had crashed 3 separate times while on the table, & that he was now on life support because his heart attack was so severe that my dad couldn't live without machines.  Walking into my dad's hospital room in the ICU & seeing him with a tube down his throat, his chest bandaged & various tubes coming out of his body was without a doubt the most horrific thing I'd ever seen.  I couldn't even comprehend it...it just wasn't my dad.

After his surgery, the doctors told us that the only chance of survival that my dad had was a heart transplant.  What came next was was something that no family should ever have to go through--I mean, how on earth do you pray for someone else to die so that your loved one's life can be saved?  While we prayed, I got more horrible news...my parents' attorney informed me that dad had an advance directive in the unlikely event that something like this were to ever happen.  It turns out that my dad had given me his power of attorney to make medical decisions in his name because he knew that mom would NEVER have been strong enough to make those kinds of decisions for him.  That part of the conversation was bad enough, but what came next was even worse...if a healthy heart couldn't be found for my dad, I would be the person who would have to make the decision to end his life.

As the days passed, it just seemed like the news got worse & worse...it wasn't bad enough that I would have to make decisions in my dad's name, I also now had to consider the monetary implications that came with keeping my dad alive.  I was never previously aware of this, but the cost of keeping someone on life support can cost up to $8-9,00/day!  With that heart-wrenching news, my mom, fiancee & I sat down with my parents' attorneys & made the absolutely unthinkable decision...we chose a date to end my dad's life.  If a heart couldn't be found for transplant, my dad was set to die on the 17th of Sept.  There are simply no words to describe the agony of that conversation, or the agony of having to make that decision.

From that point on, all we could do was pray & hang on to that tiny shred of hope that a heart would be found in time.  Day after day passed, & with each day, our hearts cracked open just a little bit more.  The night of Sept. 16th was one of the longest of my entire life...& honestly, I don't think I've ever prayed harder than I did that night.  Most of what I remember about that night was sitting next to my dad's bed, unable to contain my tears, holding his hand & repeating..."we're not ready for you to go, daddy...we're not ready...but if you are, it's okay for you to let go."  He hadn't been conscious since his surgery, so I don't know if he heard me telling him how very much I loved him, how guilty I felt for the decision I had to make the next morning, & how I hoped that he was proud of me, even though it would be me ending his life.  

The morning of the 17th, all of our family gathered to say our final goodbyes.  About 10 that morning, my mom, Tom & I sat next to dad on his hospital bed & held his hands as his doc disconnected him from life support.  In less than 5 minutes, he was gone.  

It's been less than a month since my dad died...& while I know in my head that his death isn't my fault, my heart is screaming that I'm a murderer.  Right now, I'm drowning in grief...I don't sleep...I can't eat...I can't even think.  I just want to know that he's proud of me, & that he forgives me for making the decision that I did.  I just want him back.

[Judy Davidson]

Hi Chrystal,

Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story.  Communication is key to recovery, so you're doing a great thing by sharing your feelings.  I was at my husband's bedside when he went to heaven so I understand how you are feeling.  Your dad forgives you, loves you and is very proud of you.  He loves you!  It's normal to want him back.  I pray the resources on this site provides you Help for Today & Hope for Tomorrow.  

God bless,

Judy

Founding GHN member   

[Lulu]

Hi Chrystal

Your heart is not screaming murderer your heart is missing a wonderful man and that wonderful man knew you would make the better choice  he knew this. And I know in your heart you feel he is very proud of you never think other wise . You gave him the freedom hes soul needed. His heart was his to keep and take with him, someone else is heart wouldn't do. I know your pain is great because he was great. I dont know if you believe in heaven i do and i know its a beautiful magical place and his there exploring the sights, patiently waiting for his family to join him. Have faith in God and you will see him again.

[dreammoon jo]

so sorry chrstal

i no day bfre my dad died well he got admited on 2nd 3.2012 i wz comlng 2 nrse t wz but i nealy got arsted coz thy told me if i dnt stop complang thy wud get ciops 2 arset me coz wrd wz so s@@t sorry 2 say

i hte hopstles so mush i do

i agre wr u say its not fair fr 

sorry if im sayng wong thngs or typo eros coz my eyes is full of tears coz of my dad multi loss on top 

plus arm is pins neadls in it 

so sorry

[Charlie]

Hi Chrystal
I know exactly what you went through. My dad was 88 and passed away October 1st of this year and I'm only 15. But what I've been doing is meditating and trying to think of the positives and all of the good memories I had with my father. And try to keep in mind that if you're not at peace with yourself then your dad won't rest in peace either. God bless and I send my condolences to you and your family.