GriefHope

Help for today & Hope for tomorrow

When we are small, infants really, one of the major tasks we have to master is the concept of object permanence.  This means that a baby has to learn that, just because something or someone is out of sight, doesn’t mean that it or they no longer exist.  This is a major accomplishment towards the goal of establishing trust and security.  I got to thinking about that recently.  What does that mean and what can I learn from that?

No matter whether or not you believe in heaven or some sort of afterlife, reincarnation, or an alternative dimension (really, people?), think logically about life and death.  We know that our bodies run on energy.  Our hearts use “electricity” generated by chemical reactions to maintain the pump’s action.  Simple physics tells us that energy does not expire, die out, or dissipate.  It merely changes form or is transferred.  For instance, the heat from a flame makes water boil and, eventually becomes steam which rises to…..where?  So, the energy from our bodies (and some would say souls) leaves when the body stops working and goes….where? 

My husband used to say that we are all “just penciled in.”  Our ability to contemplate our own mortality is what makes us human.  Our heads can acknowledge that and know, with certainty, that our time here is temporary.  But our hearts, our mere will to survive, fights with every ounce of strength we have to deny the reality.  So, because he is not here any longer, does he not exist?  He has two sons and two grandchildren that carry his DNA.  Does he not exist in them?  Because he wanted to be an organ donor, there are people walking around who have received parts of his corporeal body that makes sight, healing, function, and even life possible for them.  Does he not exist in those people?  Further, where is his spirit, the essence of his being, his energy?  It has not been extinguished nor has it gone. 

So, I look for signs that he is still with me and spend a great deal of time wishing that I could feel him near.  Unfortunately, at present, I have not seen such a sign nor have I been able to feel him.  I have prayed, I have meditated, and I have spoken aloud to an empty room to no avail.  The dogs think I am speaking to them and occasionally bark a reply.  I’m sure, to someone passing by, I would appear to have forgotten to take my medication that day. Still, nothing seems to work.  I have been advised that my grief has been too deep to be open to such things.  Maybe that is true and maybe I am just blind to what is obvious to others. But then I look into the sweet, round face of my newest granddaughter and that is really all the sign I need.  For without him, she would not be possible.  I think what is just most difficult to explain and understand is that physical death does not end a relationship.  While my brain accepts that our life together on this earth is over, my heart protests.  An old Irish quotation says it best; “Loves lives forever in the soul beyond the mortal body.”

And that, my friends, is object permanence. 

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