Translation

[Becky Dawes]

Daughter:  "Are you sure you want to go home?  Why don't I just take you home with me?  I can bring you back anytime you want me to--I promise.  I'm just worried about you."

Me:  "No, Honey--I'm fine--really!"  (Oh, god, don't let me convince you I'm ok!  The last thing I want in this world is to be alone!)  "It's really almost a relief--he was so very sick and not himself for some time.  It's really for the best."  (Geez, I have just lost the love of my life--I don't think I can breathe.  How did it happen so fast?  I just need him back--no matter what--I JUST NEED HIM BACK!!!)  "I just kind of wish I had gone and spent the night at hospice with him last night.  I know he was basically unconscious, and I was so horribly tired, but..."  (How could I have not gone last night?  What the hell is the matter with me?  I wasn't that tired--it was just one more night.  And what if he might have known I was there?  It would have meant a lot to him, and I would have one more memory.  I am a selfish bitch and now I'm going to pay for it for the rest of my life, which I wish would just end as soon as you drop me off at home!)

Daughter:  "Please, Mom.  Your MS has been getting so much worse for weeks and you look exhausted.  But if you insist, I'm just a phone call away and I can be here in 30 minutes.  I love you so, so much and you know I am there for you no matter what time or what you need."  (Please, Mom--don't need me tonight.  I miss my Daddy so bad I can hardly breathe.  I just want to go home and curl up and cry.  I'm a horrible person for feeling like this!)

Me:  "Honey, please--I am fine.  And if you need me for anything at all, just call.  You know I never sleep, so don't worry about the time.  I love you and I will see you tomorrow."  (Please, please, please don't need me for anything.  I have absolutely nothing to give you that would bring you any comfort at all.  I see nothing but a big black hole, and nothing will ever close that hole again.  Let me just go home and get on with staring at the walls with the tv on--my current plan for the rest of my life.  With any luck, it will be a short one.  I just want him back...)  (Hugs and kisses all around, Honey...Goodnight.)

[Judy Davidson]

Thank you for sharing, Becky.  Did you originally post this in June 2014?  I'm sorry, I don't know how I missed it.

Judy

Founding member