Why do some people...........?

[Chris Fayne]

I know we all wonder why some people tell us to just get over it and move on or everything happens for a reason. In my opinion, those are the 2 worst things you could ever tell someone who has lost someone they love. Here is how I look at it. When you love someone you love them unconditionally. Death is a condition. Just because the person you love dies doesn't mean you no longer feel that same love for them. I am still just as much in love with my fiance as the day she died. That has not changed. I still love her girls the same. But now I think I know why people say these things. Some that have told me to just move on apparently have never really been in love with someone or quite possibly even been loved themselves. To many people put conditions on relationships now, that's not love, that's a business agreement. I never put a single condition on my relationship with my fiance. For 6 years I put a roof over her and her kids heads, food on the table, clothes on them, I provided for pretty much everything. Did I have much for myself? No. Did I care? No. Why? Because I had the love of 4 people, a kind of love that most people don't get anymore. To me, someone that can just let someone go that they claimed they loved, really didn't love them. So if someone tells you that you just need to move on, ask them if they have ever been in love. Ask them if they think they could just pick up the pieces and move on. We may be a small group here but we understand each other. We have all lost someone we loved and that was soo special to us in a way that we just can't let them go. Don't let them go. Keep that love for them because that love you still carry for them is what will keep their memory alive. I am 35 years old and have seen enough tragic death in my life to understand what anyone will go through, I just never thought I would be a first hand victim of it. And for those people that tell us everything happens for a reason, well, then I hope they can share with us the reason. Yea maybe one day we will see the reason but that is the most absolute worst thing you could ever say to someone that has lost a loved one. Everyone here is having trouble coping with someone they lost. All of our situations are different, but we are all going through the same thing and at least we know there are people out there that do understand just what we are feeling.

[Judy Davidson]

Amen, brother Chris. I completely agree with everything you said. Thank you for taking the time to share you your very sincere and heartfelt thoughts.
After my husband died, I felt like half of my body was missing for a long time. I hope this site and the other members on it can bring you some comfort. I do know that communication is key to healing, so thank you again for sharing. Gratefully, Judy

[Chris Fayne]

Judy this site is a wonderful help for the struggle I am going through. But for now my mind keeps thinking of a future with someone that I will never have. It's always bad when someone dies, but it's even worse when it's a young life and 3 girls are left without their mother. I lost so much. 3 kids, a best friend, and a soul mate. What comfort I have now is knowing she is up there watching over us and probably wondering herself why she is there.

[Judy Davidson]

I know; I've thought of changing the name of this site to GriefSucks.com - jk probably not appropriate, huh?

Anyway, I hope the blog posts on the Home page are helpful as well as the book suggestions.  Individual counseling and group through www.GriefShare.com are good ideas as well.  I did a little of everything including writing letters to my husband in a journal whenever I felt like talking to him.  But all in all, it just takes good ol fashion TIME to help in the healing process.  Of course I can say this almost 10 years after the fact, but it's true.  I survived and eventually thrived and so you will you.  Keep communicating & expressing your feelings - that's a big part in the healing process.  Hang in there Chris   

[Lulu]

She was very lucky to have you by her side and help with her family. Its awesome when you could give unconditionally because you care deeply. Love is spoken in action not only words. 

[Chris Fayne]

Love is a very powerful word, one that people use to loosely and have forgotten the true meaning of. I had to show her what love was so I know deep in my heart, she died with love in her heart. And it's also comforting to know that I was not only her true love, but her last love. People say I should just let her go. Sorry, can't and don't want to do that. If someone breaks up with you, then you let them go. She was special to me living, she is even more special to me now because I have my own personal angel in heaven. That's what keeps me going on a daily basis. I still want her to be proud of me and everything that I do. The 6 years I knew her seemed like a lifetime. And even 10 years from now, I will still consider myself with her, because she will be with me. I have lost others in my life. I lost my grandmother in 2004 and my grandfather in 2009. But those were different, they were expected. You had time to say goodbye, time to say things that you hadn't said yet. Sudden or unexplained death is completely different. I know from first hand that the grieving process is completely different. And you always hear you never know what you have until it's gone. Well it's true. I knew I loved her with all my heart, I just didn't realize just how strong that love was til she was gone. You shouldn't stop loving someone just because their body is gone. One day others will know what we are going through and then they will realize just how bad the words they chose to say to us sting.