Will it always feel like this?

[Misha]

So i guess this is where i talk about how i feel.

Here it goes.

I haven't gone a single day without thinking about him since April 28th, 2014, when i found out that one of my closest friends had taken their own life. A single bullet to the head stopped one of the biggest hearts from beating. I remember sitting in class and reading the message over and over and over. Praying it was some stupid joke. Oh how i wish every day that it was a joke. I couldn't handle it, i didn't know how to. I left class crying, getting the stares from all those around me.
He and i used to talk on skype all the time. I remember one time laughing so hard and trying to tell him something. I couldn't get the words out and he just laughed and laughed and laughed at me. I miss his laugh. He played his music for me sometimes. So talented.
A couple weeks after his death a friend of mine posted a link to one of his songs. I listened. Taking in every note, every breath i heard. At the end he let out this one little sentence, and it broke me down. i would never hear his wonderful voice again. I wanted so bad to be one of those people who gets a message from him, or a sign, that he is okay. That he is happy. Most of all i wish i had known. i should have known. 
I saw him log on that night, but rather than talking to him i decided i needed to go to bed. i should have just stayed up a little bit longer. Maybe then i wouldn't be typing this right now. everyone says you can't blame yourself. Someone has to be to blame don't they? Isn't everyone to blame? No one did anything. One thing could have set him off and they may never know. Maybe it was me logging off when he came online. Maybe it wasn't. But maybe i could have done something.

I want so desperately to sit down with him and talk. I want to know why.i want to go back and change things. i feel like i cant talk to my friends because they're all going through it too. i just miss him so much.

[Judy Davidson]

Thank you for sharing your story, Misha.  I would imagine you have a lot of questions which may never be answered.  But please don't blame yourself.  Easier said than done, huh?  I do know from firsthand experience that communication is key to recovery.  So you did the right thing in reaching out and sharing your feelings.

I think Lulu shared a similar loss to yours.  She's been a tremendous help to others on this site, so you may want to connect with her.  I hope the resources on this site bring you hope and comfort.

Warmly.

Judy Davidson

Founding member 

[Misha]

Thanks Judy <3

[dreammoon jo]

i wish i new after my dad died iv went thru a multi loss coz of big c or so on frind it suport me mum hung him self he did thn a lot of death u cud say iv had bad news or death evry month 

sorry abot spelling coz im not grt at spelling plus arm playng up

sorry for yore loss misha