Hi Steph, I am so sorry we can relate yet also relieved that there is someone that knows what this may feel like. I’m sorry for your loss. My mom passed this past April, approaching the six months and I am not sure I have made to much progress. Deep down I know I have but it is such a lonely and difficult road. I deal with the fried, I deal with the traumatic sudden end to her life. I am a nurse however it is so different to do CPR on a loved one. I had a panic attack just after my first code at work since my mother’s death. I had the realization I made need to reach out for some professional help. How are you coping?
Thank you for Responding Danielle! You had more experience with your mother. I’m so sorry you are getting panic attacks and yes more help is better I feel. For me days are better than others. My job helps me stay happy helping others feel beautiful. I’m a cosmetologist so it’s nice to talk to others and share stories of all kinds. My father had ALS and he was very stubborn on not wanting to lose his voice. So he faught to the very end and than decided he would get a trache but he was starting to get pneumonia. He was starting to get scared because it was getting more difficult to breathe the last couple of days and we were using the cough assist to help get as much phlegm out when we finally got the antibiotics in him. We did not know that morphine would jeopardize his lungs more since at the very end he would have gotten a trache. That night he told me what to do with the air bag if he needed more air if his lungs were to collapse. He woke up on the mask and needed air. I was giving him air and he said he was hot and that he needed morphine. The nurse went to grab it and I was trying to give him air and we didn’t realize the morphine was off his chart when we told them to put it back on. The nurse had to run to the other unit to get it. As I was trying to help with his air I noticed he was turning purple and I didn’t know what to do. As soon as the nurse came in he passed out and I said what is happening and she said he was a DNR. I said no he’s not because he made me power of attorney at the end and he knew I didn’t want him to die and I would make sure he could breath and get the trache if he could. So when she said he had no pulse I started CPR. There’s more to the story but I deal with losing my dad because he could have lived longer I feel especially since everyone knew he just starting get pneumonia and how to help him rest before getting the trache. For a long time I felt I killedhim by not giving him enough air. I was talking to a CNA and she said something was blocking for him to go purple and she was right. I think a mucous plug got stuck and since the nurse ran to get morphine I didn’t know what to do because he couldn’t communicate that. My dad would make noises if he needed air if he couldn’t talk. He made sure I would know what to do if he couldn’t talk if something were to happen. But he got a mucous plug stuck and I just hate that my dad suffocated like that. My sister went to go get help and no one was out there. My sister and I both were there in a traumatic situation and I miss him soooo much. I feel if we were all prepared more he could have lived a little longer to where he could have chosen a better time to say goodbye.
I go go to counseling and this week going to a group grievance counseling together. I try to get as much as I can off my chest but it’s hard when people didn’t see what you saw or understand what you did.
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