Thank you for reaching out. The last couple of months have been very tough. I was sinking further into depression and my body is showing the signs of stress with IBS and sleep patterns. I was offered a job last week, which basically fell into my lap. I was spending too much time watching TV, isolating myself and crying. So I feel this might be the nudge to help me move forward. I also have been getting activity on a book I wrote about my husbands, fathers and daughters illness and death. So that is exciting for me as I will talk to other caregivers and terminally ill patients about my experience with medicine, doctors and choices.
I am desperately trying to find reasons to live as I was close to ending it all last February. I sought counseling and other things to help me through the worst, but find that I sink into lethargic and isolating habits that drop me further into the depression.
The grief has morphed into waves now. The constant pain is different. I have times of joy, but then extreme grief. When the grief hits, Its more painful than the constant pain was and it gets harder to keep going after an episode. Sometimes, it will last 2-4 days, and then I seem to get through it and keep moving forward. My therapist says its all normal, but I search for meaning in everything now and turn towards spirituality to get me through it. I talk with mediums so I can talk to the spirits of my husband, daughter and dad. Their messages heal me but I am addicted and always want more.
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I noticed he has only been gone a couple of months and you must be in the eye of the storm right now. I can't remember the first 6 months after my husband passed. I did stupid financial things and quit my job and completely changed my life. We ran a business together and it was too painful to continue without him so I gave it away.
I understand your anger, I would be angry too if my husband left on purpose, but I cry because my husband wanted to live more than anything. He fought hard but died a painful horrible death from Brain Cancer. I only had 9 months after dx with him and I suffered PTSD after he was gone. We did everything possible medically and holistically to save him. Eleven months later my 33 year old daughter was dx with terminal Stage 4 Melanoma. I felt like I was in some bizarre hell. She had 5 babies under the age of 10. She was so young and beautiful, yet she died 9 months later in the exact same way as my husband, from brain tumors. She died 9 months ago as well...Wow...9 seems to be a bad number for me.
It was hard to get mad...who would I get mad at?...(God?) because they both fought so hard to live. I prayed and prayed for God to take me instead. I think those of us left behind suffer the most and must be the ones who have the lessons to learn.
I would highly recommend a medium, but find a good one. They are not cheap. But I got to speak to my husband and daughter and understand better why they had to leave. I have seen 4 different mediums and they all told me stuff no one would have known. I find comfort that my husband is with me all the time and I'm hoping to connect with my daughter more..I have not connected with her as much. I miss them both so bad its painful.
My husband left me with the gift that there IS life after death. He showed me undeniable signs of life after he was gone that were completely explainable, but I KNOW deep in my soul he is ok.
I'm sure your husband regretted taking his life as soon as he did it. Like you said, he was sick and did not know what he was doing. He is probably with you, watching over you all the time. I have heard when there is a suicide involved, it takes that spirit longer to be where they should be because they have to work through the issues of why they cut their contract with God off too early.
There is no cure for grief. No therapist, counselor or grief group will fix you, but they help to get through it. Everyone is different so there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Do what is right for you. Good luck and I hope for peace for you. If you ever need to contact me my email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
You are in the worst part of grief...it's hard to have hope or see a light at the end of the tunnel but it does get better. What helps me when I feel like dying and there is no hope I focus on my breath and take it one at a time until the feeling fades then I focus on my daughter and grandchildren that need me.
ty for reaching out to me. I lost my wife of 44yrs on august 21st. Tuesday will make 8 weeks since she passed and will also be her birthday she would have been 68. It really is hard to navigate this new journey. I am sorry for your loss. It really is hard on a day by day basis alone.