When I was reading your post, I felt as if you are reading my mind. I am going through the same waves of emotions of grief. I lost my husband to suicide and I found out that he was probably bipolar after his death. In his last days, he was pretending to be normal but his suicide note says things that were only in his head and were totally imagined due to his illness. My grief right now is at the point of anger. I am angry that my husband was in the medical field and could have easily spotted that his irrational thoughts had a reason, he should have tried to seek therapy or confided in me as I was his only close friend. He contemplated suicide for over a month in complete secrecy. While I was planning a vacation with him and he was detached and wanted to finish his life.
What is more painful is that he was a successful, highly qualified physician who had at least 30 more productive years. We had a great life together and I was not working as his income was enough.
I understand that it was not his fault as he couldn't distinguish between real and unreal. His death was traumatic, sudden and I was the one who found him.
You are right, getting out of the house does help me but my mind keeps thinking about the old days when we were together. I am not only mourning him, but I am also mourning my old life.
I guess people like us who are grieving may never be the same persons we were before
You stay strong girl and trust me as everyone says there is a light at the end.
Actually, I have also turned to spirituality to find solace. I have booked myself for past life regression therapy to find out why this happened to me. Also, I am looking into mediums who could help me connect to his spirit or pass me a message from him if he has found his peace.
Yes, I had emailed you from that ID. I read your blog, it was very touching and real. Its been almost three years for you and I can see that you have made a considerable progress in your tough journey of grief.
For me, mornings and afternoons are very difficult. Basically, whenever I wake up from sleep the harsh reality stands in my face. I try to be happy and focusing on regular chores especially before my kids, but deep down in my heart, I am always longing for my husband. I feel that the only person who loved me dearly is missing and my life is loveless and empty.
Like you, I am journaling every emotion and it helps me to calm down. I want to believe that his soul is with us but I don't see or feel any signs of it. I was always an easy going happy girl who wanted to live a long fulfilling life with her husband. Him been gone now, I am not sure if life has left any meaning now. I was never this pessimist in my life before and my kids keep reminding me that I have to go on.
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