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Help for today & Hope for tomorrow

“So, what are you doing for self-care?” asked the therapist.  Whoa, wait, what?  I’m out here dodging the minefield that is grief work and she wants to know what I’m doing to take care of myself?  What does that even mean?  Am I sleeping? Am I eating right?  Do I get any exercise? What am I doing to connect with other people?  I know it was a question that came from a place of genuine concern and caring but it hit me like a bombshell.  Another one. 

This whole journey is like learning to walk all over again.  Just when I think I’ve gotten my balance back, I trip and fall on something so small, so seemingly insignificant, that I could not have seen it coming.  Things like a song on the radio, glow of the moonlight on the snow (which I hate and he loved), and junk mail addressed to him or both of us, or remembering that I completely forgot to have the furnace checked this year.  That was never my job and I guess the end of February is probably too late.  In the global view, does any of that really matter?  Probably not.  But in the moment, it can be enough to make me want to climb down into a hole.  Isolate and protect.  Hide for a while; the rest of the world humming along as if a nuclear bomb has not just hit.  No one noticed that?  Am I the only one who saw the flash, felt the heat, and hid from the rumbling?  Retreat, recover, and re-enter, dressed in my chain mail and breastplate.  It’s really exhausting walking around with all that armor.  I look forward to the day I can remove it, put it in the back of the closet, and spend the rest of my life not worrying about the rust it accumulates.

Self-care.  That question, even well intentioned, brought to the center of my attention the fact that no one is taking care of me.  Oh, poor me.  I know – we’re all responsible for taking care of ourselves, whether it is attention to the brain, body habitus, or the heart.  But, isn’t just so nice when someone performs those little acts of nurturing that make you feel well cared for?  That unexpected text message in the middle of the day, a hot cup of your favorite tea with the indulgent spot of sugar in it, spontaneous trip to your favorite watering hole for happy hour, a meal hot and ready when you get home from work, taking the dogs out in the morning so you can sleep in, or the ultimate – a foot rub!  And conversely, the opportunity to offer that care to another person so that they also feel appreciated and nurtured.  That does as much for your soul and well-being as being on the receiving end.  That is intimacy beyond what we normally think of as the intimacy between spouses.  The moment when you are suddenly, irretrievably denied that connection, those little intimacies, can be even more devastating than the really big things.  So, you climb into a foxhole of grief and wait for the barrage to cease.  And, really, really, hope that it does. 

Ok, yes.  I am trying to take care of myself now.  I have struggled to find a way to deal with the anxiety of contemplating a future on my own.  And no, blocking those thoughts and denial does not work.  Although tempting, don’t go there.  It has been really helpful to learn about spiritual balance, mindfulness, and I’m learning to meditate.  It is so hurtful and kind of annoying, to know that others whom my husband loved have felt his presence, seen him in dreams, and received what they know to be signs from him.  I am trying to lighten my spirit enough that I may be open to such.  So far, I have been fairly unsuccessful.  My armor has been too effective, perhaps.  So, back to self-care efforts. 

I think I’ll get a pedicure; does that count?

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