Lost my husband

[Lyndy ODonnell]

Lost my husband to cancer. I'm so unhappy, and the trauma we went through still haunts me.

[Jamie J. Peters]

I am very sorry to know about your husband. The cancer has been troubling lot of people for several generations but if the cancer diagnosed in the early stage can be treated well. My uncle is suffering from lung cancer and they are  taking treatment from the radiation therapy Westchester  using the combination of chemotherapy and radiation therapy. One can go here to know more about the lung cancer treatment.

[Kelvin K Hamm]

Thanks for sharing the info Jamie.

[Grace]

I just lost my husband to pancreatic cancer 1month ago...I'm trying to go n be strong for my kids but everytime I so something when I change or remove him from accts we shared I feel sad and guilty...even like going through his phone...I feel like I'm invading his privacy...trust wz big for us...I never checked his phone or went through his wallet. He never went through mine either...is this crazy?

[Paul Haney]

That wasn't good that you lost your husband. Why you haven't tried the best treatment from the experts? Well, now it doesn't matter any more, but suggest the others to take care of their health problem at the right time. They can take help of health insurance plan from The Health Exchange Agency. One can read the full info here about the company and their policies.

[Bryan medlin]

I lost my girlfriend soon it will be 5 years we were close I was going to ask her to marry me we were talking about having kids she was going to give me my dream of having a family. Since the age of 9 she had uncontrollable diabetes one night she had a very high count and not feeling good took her to the hospital and they got it under control but instead of keeping her they let her go home with me because they were full of patients. 10am the next morning she had a heart attack and died in my arms I hold on to her and watched her take her last breath for the longest time that was the only member of her and that killed me to remember her like that and I blame myself all those what ifs took over in my head it destroyed me. Then one day a couple of years after her death I stopped feeling sorry for myself and learned to not leave in the past and let it destroy me but to live for her make her happy. Your story my be different and the fact that shave kids probably makes it hard I am truly sorry for your loss. My advice is to live for your husband and make sure you and your kids never let him leave your hearts remember tho he has past away the love you have for him will never die just look at what your love created beautiful kids. The pain will never go away but it does get easier as long as you keep is love and spirit alive you will find your strength

[AniLo]

Grace: Cancer is an evil monster, designed to slowly kill its host and those who care!  The feelings you have about going through his wallet and phone are repeated by all of us.  They are quite personal, and messing with them seems like a violation, or even an admission to ourselves that he will never be back in our earthly space to care about the wallet he kept close to him or his phone that connected us to him.  I suspect that 'sad' is a very weak description of the 
heart dropping, stomach turning, desperate cries that your guts hold back. 

I suspect too, that since his diagnosis, you have thrown yourself into his treatment, easing his pain, taking responsibilities that he always  performed, and praying nonstop for the miracle few seem to support us in believing for.  All the while, your heart is breaking, screaming, "It wasn't supposed to be like this!, This isn't what we agreed to!  I don't want to do this!  God, please make it stop! "    

Were you, as I, living on the very edge of functioning, desperate to have his hugs that put you back together, hating the wasting  of his strength, and sometimes even wanting to feel 'normal' again, for just a guilty moment?

I propose, that if any of these things are true of your experience, that when our husband's body finally failed, the effects of the battle you had been waging are a kind of PTSD.     Confusion, hyper-emotion, fear, sleeplessness, and functioning on only the most basic levels.

On top of that, all of the 'business' that accompanies a death means that several times a day, we have to use our husband's full name, identifying facts and the word "Died", all in the same thought.  We become "widows", WHAT?!!!! I HATE that word!!!!     

Even prayers can take on a tone that makes me, at least, uncomfortable.  Doubt and fear cloud the joy and faith that are essential to a satisfying conversation with Heavenly Father.  Scriptures can seem hollow.  Vision for tomorrow is under a dark cloud.

It's been almost 3 years, for me, and  I am still seeking a new vision.  I can, however only recently,   look at my husband's photo with BOTH eyes. 

As a gift to me, I have seen my husband in my spirit-eyes, too.  He is well and greeting new arrivals in the Kingdom. (My mother just arrived in January, and my husband welcomed her with a bit of surprise.  She hadn't been expected so soon.) Holy Spirit has let me know that he eagerly awaits the day he can welcome me,too.  He's got a few places picked out that he is sure I will like. 

Also,  the vision the Lord gave us, which we declared by faith every day ..the one of ministry and testimony throughout this  country, was not a mistake.  My husband and I will do all of those things together, just not in the present age.....but in the one to come.  Remember that Abraham's promises are still coming to pass!  I remind myself that most of our lives are lived beyond this one where our bodies encase our souls and spirits. Eternity has already begun.  My husband just moved away to a place I can't join him in yet.  We still have a life, together, though. 

I don't quite understand how we will relate given the reality that there is to be no marriage or giving in marriage, but  Eternity has a plan that celebrates the  one-ness and passion that our earthly relationship enjoyed. THAT vision, I have embraced.

As for his wallet and phone, they are buried in a place that I don't need to see them often.  Perhaps, one day I will spend some quiet time with these personal items.....but not now .

Time does NOT heal all wounds.  But the deepest gashes become an intimate part of who we are....AFTER.,

This widow (that's me!) is now called to pray...to lift you up, Grace, before our Heavenly Father, in case you are not as able to, yourself.

Grace, I will ask the Father, to reveal His Son, Jesus, to you, as the Husband to the Widow. He is Your Provider, the One who listens, the One who Cries with you, and Who Holds you should you want to collapse, the One who prays for you.  He will hear your Anger, and Father your children. When you are able to receive, He will be Peace and even Joy, as well. 

 Perhaps He has said to you as he did me," Trust Me".  Those were the only words I could hear, and so, I agreed to do only that.  not really knowing if I could. Anything else seemed to complicated. I can report to you, Grace, He is still Faithful.

AniLo "I am His"

G race said:

I just lost my husband to pancreatic cancer 1month ago...I'm trying to go n be strong for my kids but everytime I so something when I change or remove him from accts we shared I feel sad and guilty...even like going through his phone...I feel like I'm invading his privacy...trust wz big for us...I never checked his phone or went through his wallet. He never went through mine either...is this crazy?

[Linda]

Grace, I lost my husband of 48 years 3 months ago. I feel the same way. I carry his wallet, glasses and phone with me wherever I go, its a comfort to me. I have as yet to go thru his wallet because I think I might discard something he will need, and then it all comes back that he's gone.
The only thing I can say to you that has helped me is to try to stay busy, it's the quiet times that are just so empty. We have to move forward as much as it hurts, and try to find a new normal. I hope we can figure out how to do that.

[Dee]

Hello:  I lost my husband a month ago also.  Its not crazy.  I feel guilty cleaning stuff out and reading his personal thoughts.  Can we talk?
Grace said:

I just lost my husband to pancreatic cancer 1month ago...I'm trying to go n be strong for my kids but everytime I so something when I change or remove him from accts we shared I feel sad and guilty...even like going through his phone...I feel like I'm invading his privacy...trust wz big for us...I never checked his phone or went through his wallet. He never went through mine either...is this crazy?

[AniLo]

Hi, Dee. One month ago...my heart is sinking as I go to that place with you.  Would that a human being could carry the pain for us!  I would be honored to correspond with you, should that meet any need you have.

AniLo(I am His)

Dee said:

Hello:  I lost my husband a month ago also.  Its not crazy.  I feel guilty cleaning stuff out and reading his personal thoughts.  Can we talk?
Grace said:

I just lost my husband to pancreatic cancer 1month ago...I'm trying to go n be strong for my kids but everytime I so something when I change or remove him from accts we shared I feel sad and guilty...even like going through his phone...I feel like I'm invading his privacy...trust wz big for us...I never checked his phone or went through his wallet. He never went through mine either...is this crazy?

[Dee]

Hi Anilo:

Yes in 22 days it will be 2 months.  I woke up very sad today and just wanting to sleep all day long.  But I have to push for my 5 year old.  I'm at work now and saw your message I wanted to respond and say thank you for responding.  I hope you have a nice day.

AniLo said:

Hi, Dee. One month ago...my heart is sinking as I go to that place with you.  Would that a human being could carry the pain for us!  I would be honored to correspond with you, should that meet any need you have.

AniLo(I am His)

Dee said:

Hello:  I lost my husband a month ago also.  Its not crazy.  I feel guilty cleaning stuff out and reading his personal thoughts.  Can we talk?
Grace said:

I just lost my husband to pancreatic cancer 1month ago...I'm trying to go n be strong for my kids but everytime I so something when I change or remove him from accts we shared I feel sad and guilty...even like going through his phone...I feel like I'm invading his privacy...trust wz big for us...I never checked his phone or went through his wallet. He never went through mine either...is this crazy?

[AniLo]

It's another day, Dee and you are still alive!

Of course you want to sleep, and feel free to do that whenever it is possible.  Do you feel as though people around you might be thinking it's time to be just a little less overwhelmed?  Be assured that grieving behaviors are individual ones. Some, like yelling, screaming, wracking sobs, or desperate moaning may be best done in private, as they can be a bit scary to others....and to you.  Hopefully, there is at least one person who will allow you to exhibit any extreme stuff while running interference with people who will not understand.

You have a little girl, as well.  I hope you know that it is healthy for her to see you grieve, too.  You can support and affirm each other as you talk about this unwanted life without your husband and her daddy.  Eventually, you may be able to look at some of his stuff, handle it, and attach memories to it for each other.....but that day isn't today, or maybe many tomorrows from now.  Be assured that other people's schedules for these things will be faster than yours.  You and your daughter have had tangible pieces of your flesh and heart torn from yourselves.  They may bleed for a long while, sapping your strength.

Also, the fight against evil cancer is not unlike a war.....an enemy to hate, a dying partner, glimmers of hope.  Then, silence.  There is no party that it,s over.  Just unbearable quiet on the outside, raging pain on the inside.  The one you were fighting so hard for and with has left you alone, with all of his unfinished business to  cope with.

 Do you have a Faith in the God who made us and the Jesus who wants to walk with us?  Do you know what your husband is doing, now?   These are realities that have been foundational to my very survival.  My chosen screen name, AniLo is the recognition that I am now His, as Jesus is the Husband to the widow and Father to the fatherless.

There was a day when I screamed at Him, "Jesus, I NEED to FEEL your arms around me, just as Raymond held me close.  Can YOU do THAT? " For at least an hour, I paced back and forth, sobbing and crying out angrily.  I have no earthly explanation, but I did FEEL His arms around me that day, and I heard His quiet voice speak to me.  He was not turned away by the intensity of my need nor the anger in my voice.

Although it is forbidden to speak to the dead, and so I do not try, I HAVE been given the blessing of seeing through the veil between worlds.  I have seen my husband welcoming newcomers as they transition from this life to that. I have felt him hold my hand as I worship.  And in my dreams, he has taken me to various houses in that dimension that he has scouted out for my arrival.  I am certain that Raymond is alive and well; he just got a ticket to a place I cannot yet go.  I do wish he had gotten me one, too, but I am seeking the path I must finish before my ticket is issued to me.

Still, that path is only revealed a day or two at a time,I cannot bear to consider the long-term, yet.  At first, I could not see a moment ahead of me, so I guess that means I am 'better'. Still, I long to be with him, but I know where he is.  Raymond is not lost, and I am finding the way, too.,by completing the road that my life was created to travel on.

Whether you are a Believer or not, I do pray, and my prayers are heard by a merciful God who answers them with compassion.  You, Dee, are being lifted up before the Heavenly Throne.  Should you have specific requests, I will be honored to include them.

Feel free to keep in touch as you feel is good.

Sincerely,

AniLo(I am His)

[Dee]

Thank you for your words.  I do not feel like Im being judge nor do I feel like Im in any rush to heal soon.  I just feel lonely.  I don't and am not looking to find a relationship nor another man to love.  All I want is to have friends that I can talk to and even go out with that understands what I am going through and perhaps going through the same that we can relate to and be there for each other.  Both man and woman doesn't matter to me.  Coming home and not having someone to share a meal or watch a movie when my daughter is a sleep or at grandmas is lonely.  My coupled friends are a bit distant and have their own lives and it's understandable.  I do keep myself busy and have things to do but it's those quiet days and nights that hurt so much.