GriefHope

Help for today & Hope for tomorrow

I am the "strong one" of the family. I'm only 31 years old, but I'm the one that holds everything together. I'm the peacemaker, the helper, the thoughtful one, I do it all. But inside, I'm in pieces.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 27. She was the "strong one" of the family up until then. Cancer was hell, and she ended up dying a year later when I was 28. I never believed she was going to die from cancer, she was too strong I thought. But I was the one to hold her hand as she took her last breaths, and while it was peaceful and a blessing to be there, it was so unexpected and so hard. 3 years almost to the day later, I can't talk about her or even think about her without bursting into tears, which I only do in private. I failed my mother, I was her best friend and I failed her. I moved across the country just days before her diagnosis, I missed her last Christmas on this earth, I didn't call or visit enough. I should've spent every moment I had with her, during her cancer battle, at her side, and I didn't. After she died I took care of her diabetic dog, but I must've messed up the insulin shots because the dog died 3 months to the day after my mother, I felt so horrible.

2 years before my mother's death, I went to visit my mother's best friend who had just lost her significant other to an ATV accident. I woke up the second or third morning of visiting her to find her dead on the couch. I shook her and shook her, begging her to wake up. I went out to the porch and screamed for help at the top of my lungs, crying in agony over the reality. I had to call my mother and break the news, it broke her heart. I began to remember hazy dream-like memories about the night before she died, hearing a loud noise like a grunt. She was having a heart attack as I slept in the next room, and I heard some sign of it, but didn't have the wherewithal to go save her life.

Losing my grandparents was also traumatic. My maternal grandmother had cancer and was being taken by ambulance for breathing problems. I followed so that my mom could wrap things up at the house. She took a turn for the worse in the ambulance, and in the hospital I was whisked back to her bedside as she lay dying, gasping for air, and all I could do is hold her hand. I remember her fingers were all purple, her mouth agape as she gasped, no sign of recognizing my presence. My mother arrived and I watched as her heart broke as she lost her mother. My paternal grandfather was admitted to the hospital just a month later, where he died and I never even got a chance to visit him to say goodbye. My paternal grandmother passed suddenly in a nursing home, and my maternal grandfather had passed young from liver disease, I never got to say goodbye to either.

When I was 19 I lost a friend to a strange drug addiction to the main ingredient in cough syrup. He and I had been talking on the phone every day, I was helping him overcome his addiction. The night he died I missed calling him like I had promised to do, and he relapsed. No one knew I had planned to call him and missed it, so no one blamed me. But I live with the horrible guilt.

I just have so many regrets around death. Even as a child, making mistakes with pets like feeding my hamster chocolate and having it die, or bathing my rabbit and it had a heart attack and died. I just remember every little detail that eats away at me, like how my boyfriend's grandmother told me she loved me, and I didn't say it back, and she died. I'm stuck, never getting out of the grieving cycle and I don't know what to do. I can't afford counseling, and any chat room or free group I go to I end up being the listener, the one to console, the person to make others feel better and I never share my own grief. Instead I'm left in the privacy of my own home crying until I'm dizzy and breathless, begging God for mercy and peace and forgiveness.

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Hi Jenni,
I'm SO sorry for all the loss you've had to endure so far in your life. I do know from firsthand experience that communication is key to recovery. I hope you feel a little better by sharing your story. It sounds like you'd also benefit by also talking with others who know how you feel. Have you tried www.GriefShare.org? I went through an interactive 10 week program with them after my husband died and it really helped. It was through my church, Saddleback.
CHeck out the blog posts on the Home Page. About a year ago I posted several videos from my pastor Rick Warren and his wife Kay on how they recovered the grief process after their son passed away.
I pray the resources here provide Help for Toda & Hope for Tomorrow.
God bless,
Judy
Founding member

Thank you. I sent a message to one of the local churches listed as offering a group.

I lost my mom when I waas 6 of cancer and my dad when I was 15 he fell, it sucks and hard to deal with but I am here for u

I lived almost 40 years before losing anyone close to me. Many of them were old and you could say they had a long good life. Sudden or the death of a young person is the hardest to take. Now I guess I am in paybacks, because I lost my grandmother in May, my sister in August and my wonderful stepfather in September. I am feeling just a bit overwhelmed at the moment.  My sister was sick all summer which gave me a lot to time to think about it all. I found myself telling my friends "I love you." I found myself hugging people more. I found myself doing more. I also found all the blessings in my life seemed even more amplified. Regret is the hardest thing and I don't want any of it. I will tell people in my life every day how I feel about them. I will let them know they are loved and what they mean to me so there is no question. And that so works for the living. My sisters death of addiction though is plagued with should haves, could haves, would haves and what ifs. That's why I am on this site.

Jehovah God  gives use hope to see our dead loved ones its in the bible at psalms 37:29. so sorry for ur loss if you would like to learn more about gods promise I would be happy to talk to you.

april

Yes, I would very much like to know exactly what the Bible says. I've been meaning to get a hold of a Bible to look up what it says about the dead and the afterlife, because as you know some people believe there is a Heaven we all go to and others say it's ashes to ashes until the Lord returns to claim the earth, at which time we are resurrected. And yet others believe there is an afterlife with which we can communicate (but I've had no luck there sadly). If you have more specific passages you're willing to share, I'm very open to reading them! Thank you!

april said:

Jehovah God  gives use hope to see our dead loved ones its in the bible at psalms 37:29. so sorry for ur loss if you would like to learn more about gods promise I would be happy to talk to you.

april

Hi jenni
I know the feeling i m the strong one in my family .i lost my husband in june and i am still heving a hard time coping with the lost.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I know the upcoming holiday season must be difficult for you, as it is for any of us that have lost someone we love and once celebrated the season with. I wish I knew just what to say to take your pain away, but all I can offer is a listening ear (or, should I say reading eyes). Please feel free to message me if I can help you at all. I'm currently in grief counseling myself and I'm finding it very helpful, it may be helpful for you too and there are many free resources in most communities such as hospice groups, hospital groups, and practicing student counselors at local colleges.

Carrie said:

Hi jenni
I know the feeling i m the strong one in my family .i lost my husband in june and i am still heving a hard time coping with the lost.

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