Loss of your spouse

[Vicki J. Lawrence]

 

I lost my husband of 46 years last December.  Just about the time I think I am over the worst of the grief it hits me all over again.  My children and siblings have been wonderful but as loving as they are they really don't understand my level of grief because he was my husband and we were not just lovers we were best friends.  There is such a huge hole left in my life now that he is gone.  His health was poor for years but I took him up to the hospital for a dislocated shoulder.  He had a disease called Mineirs disease and it robbed him totally of his balance and most of his hearing.  I instructed the nurses and attendants that he absolutely could not be let out of bed to use the bathroom by his self.  I told them he needed an attendant and a safety strap EVERY time he needed to use the rest room (even if he was transported in a wheelchair).  I told them if he did not have an attendant and attempted to go his self that he WOULD fall.

To make a long story short he was alone, there was no alarm pad under his body to alert the staff if he was trying to get up.  The attendant heard him yelling Help! but by the time she got there he had stopped breathing and his heart had stopped.  The aide could not call a Code Blue so she called the nurses station and there was no one there.  By law there is supposed to be a nurse at the desk at all times.

By the time they finally got the code blue activated my husband had been without oxygen for 6 minutes.  When they got there the first thing they did was shock his heart.  It had to be done but during this no one was doing mouth to mouth or was using a Bolis bag.  He was without oxygen for over 12 minutes.  All they did by starting his heart was enabled him to start circulating blood without oxygen.  By that time the only activity in his brain was in the stem. 

He was sent to St. Francis hospital in Topeka and when it became evident that he was not going to live they moved him to the St Francis Hospice.  I can not say enough about the hospice those people were absolutely wonderful.

 

I have been told that this ongoing grief is normal for up to a year and a half.  What hit us even harder was that he passed Dec. 18, 2011 exactly one week before Christmas.  I am now having to deal with the upcoming holidays and at this point I have absolutely no excitement about the holidays.

[Laurene Johnson]

Wow, when I started reading this I thought it was a lot like me. My husband died Dec.13 2011. I made it though last Christmas because I was numb, but with the holidays coming all I feel is anxiety. You know getting through the "firsts" are hard and I don't count last Christmas. So that being said grief is a very long process, and 18 months to feel better, I don't think so, we all heal at different rates. Try something new this Christmas, I am. Laurene

[Raven]

Dear Vicki,

You posted a few months ago, so I hope you are feeling better.  I read your story and couldn't help but think how much anger I would have if my husband had been left unattended like your husband was.  I could understand why it would be difficult to go through the upcoming holidays.  I am dreading them too.  I lost my husband of 10 years to cancer on April 20, 2012.  I am no better than I was the day he died.  I cry all the time and break down, even in public.  I have lost 2 jobs because I can't function.  I'm barely able to get out of bed, and I've prayed for God to take me.  I am hoping for better days, and I am hoping the same for you.

Love, Raven

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[Kathleen Murotani]

Vicki,

last November 12, I lost my husband of 31yrs, and it has broken me. Like you when I think I’m over the hardest part I turn my head and see his flag that draped his coffin, he was a veteran of the Vietnam war, he was 19 years my senior, but he was my Northstar, and a calm to my storm, and I am absolutely lost, I have four children, and as much as they try and help me, the pain returns with a vengeance. All I can think about is I want to be with him where he is, I had a lot of health problems in our marriage, and he never left me alone in the hospitals and now he’s all alone in his grave and what I think about is just being there with him so he’s not alone anymore. I understand how angry you can be at hospital staff, my husband had a bad heart and he had it before we ever married. He had a heart attack at 40 and they knew the doctors here where I live knew that he needed a triple bypass in June 2022 and my husband had, what they call von Willebrand‘s disease it’s a bleeding disorder but it’s nothing like a hemophiliac, but it’s still a bleeding disorder and the two doctors that were on his case for some reason could not get together and devise a plan to do surgery on him and video when he got approved for the surgery. We still hadn’t heard from the doctors and then , on Friday he had a heart attack and told me about it afterwards which was his fault. He should’ve told me as soon as he thought he was having one and then he went to the doctor the next Tuesday they ran an EKG on him and said, oh, you’re fine go home  And Wednesday all hell broke loose. He suffered another heart attack and I live in Bakersfield California and I respect the surgeon here that said that what my husband needed was beyond his surgical capabilities and he sent us to Fresno Heart Hospital my husband fought for 3 1/2 weeks  to make it home and five surgeries later it was the last surgery when they took the intubation tube out and did a tracheotomy that he never came out of that surgery and that’s when we had to decide to keep him on Support or take him off that was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life  we knew that if he got out of the hospital, he was not going to have to go through a lot of rehab to ever even make it home but he would’ve at least been home and I would have gladly taken care of him, and, like you, the holidays were the hardest I’ve ever went through, I didn’t feel like putting up a Christmas tree, and my brother told me you need to put up a tree, but he hasn’t gone through what I did the last thing on my mind was Thanksgiving or Christmas they could’ve just passed me by. I know all I think about is just being with him again.

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