My Daughter

[Henry G. Fernandez]

I lost my daughter on December 14, 2012. She is now in heaven and not suffering anymore from the brain cancer.  My daughter went on her journey home in my arms and I feel that it was right for her to be in daddy's arms at her passing. I recited Psalm 23 twice and told her that it was okay, we would be fine and that I loved her more than anything in the world.  She was 41 and still daddy's baby.  I miss her so much, my grandkids are doing fine. I don't want to take the anti-depressants that the Kaiser Drs. want to give me.  I know I can hack it but it just hurts so bad and I just know that I will never get over it.  What can I do to make this loss better. She was a social worker and she would be telling me to move forward, that is "what your daughter would want".  I don't know if she can hear me or see me, I feel her around me but maybe it's just my imagination.  I miss her so much and need to talk about it. Her mom and I are divorced and have been communicating well but we have separate lives.  Are there any groups that can help me.  I feel as though a group with others in a similar situation will only remind me of the my daughter more.  I'm just lost and don't know how to handle it.  I'm just talking I guess and hoping that someone is listening.  Hank

 

 

[Laurene Johnson]

Hank I am listening, it is normal to feel this way, I don't have all the answers but slow down for a moment and read your own post. First do you need the medication are you feeling so sad that it is affecting your daily life or are you having thoughts of suicide, if you answer yes then truly rethink the medication it is not a lifetime thing, but what is called situational depression and will help, it will not make you numb, trust me you will still grieve and work through the steps of feeling better. I found ways to make me better was to volunteer, to somehow do something that my loved one would like or was passionate about. You are a parent and losing a child is one of the hardest things to do. Don't be too hard on yourself your feelings are normal and it has not been that long ago. If the support group is not for you, then maybe one on one with a counselor. If you are alone then find a way to lean on someone who will understand. I understand you feel lost and this was a big step to put your feelings out here.

[Henry G. Fernandez]

Thank you Laurene, I really appreciate your response. My son and I have talked about some grief counseling and I think we might go forward with this.  I'm doing okay without the meds though (I think).  I'm returning to work tomorrow and hopefully I will be able to be productive.  I'm going to see about volunteering wiht the support group that is part of the Kaiser hospice team.  Maybe that will be helpful.  I want to thank you for your response.  I'm trying but I just start crying when I'm driving or by myself, I seem to be okay when I'm around other people though.  I miss her so much.  Hank

[maryellenmcquown]

wow i am sorry for the loss of your daughter what a blessing that you got to hold her psalm 23 is my favorite you did the right thing 

[Laurene Johnson]

Hank you are welcome, any kind words seem to help. I too still cry when I am alone. Take going back to work one day at a time. And a word of advice is don't expect your co workers to understand what you are going through, they are not grieve counselors, and sometimes they say the wrong thing, so take it in stride, work is not your life, it is just work. Hope to hear from you again.

[Henry G. Fernandez]

Thanks Laurene. You are so right, my co-workers are not grief counselors and they are a bit clumbsy in what they say.  I will take it a day at a time as you say, that's good advice, my son is taking things hard though and now that everything is over, we can't figure out what to do with ourselves. I want to talk to Briana, hear her voice and hug her, it's just too much to handle sometimes.  I appreciate your help and kindness.  Hank

[Laurene Johnson]

Talk to her, it seemed to help with Michael, I told him how I was feeling and what I was doing. When I wanted to hear his voice I watched videos. Of course I cried but that was okay, I just wanted to see him. I also put together some pictures of all his smiles, he had such a lovely smile. Briana loved you and would not want you to be sad, so talk to her she understands, and at first it was weird to talk out loud, but after awhile it helped. Peace to you friend.

[Henry G. Fernandez]

Thanks Laurene,

I appreciate that advise, I"m oging to talk to her tomorrow on the way to work. I think that's a great idea.  I'm sure that it will be good for me. 

Thank you so much.

 

Hank

[Elizabeth Rann]

Hank, Laurene, thank you so much for talking on this forum.  Having lost my Mom a few weeks ago, seeing your support and ideas to each other has helped me too.  We are not alone, although it surely feels like it sometime.  You are both the proof that there are good people out there and life can go on in a good and meaningful way.  Bless you....

[Henry G. Fernandez]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom.  It's really hard to understand what people go through when they lose someone so close, until it happens to you. I realize that I will never get over this but will have to learn to live with it and handle it.  That awful feeling in my chest and stomach. I know that Briana is with me, she knows I love her so much. Your Mom and Briana are at peace Elizabeth.  Thanks for your message. Hank

 

[Elizabeth Rann]

God knows that Mother needed peace...  Hey you know something kind of neat.  My youngest daughter's name is Rhianna.  I am watching her carefully through this all to make sure she is ok, but she did not know my mother well because her (Mother's) dementia came on when Rhianna was little and they were not able to make a connection.  But Rhianna is amazing.  She has helped heal me just by the little comforting things she says.  Briana might be in heaven, but I think that our girls will save us both yet Hank....

[Henry G. Fernandez]

That is nice, the similarity in the names.  I was wondering if any of my neices or nephews would name any of their children Briana.  Rhianna is a nice name, I'm feeling better already.  Your right our girls will save us both, I do have Briana's daughter to see grow up and care for.  She doesn't live with me but she has grandpa's heart.  Well, it's nice to talk about things, I appreciate it.  Hope you will feel better as each day passes, your Mom is a peaceful place. My best to you and Rhianna.

 

[Elizabeth Rann]

Take care Hank, enjoy your beautiful family, thank you for everything!