Struggling to cope

[Andrea]

My ex husband and father of my two daughters passed away on January 26th, 2021.  We were together 13 years, married 6 and divorced 10. Sadly he was very abusive when we were together and often times tried to continue that behavior over the past 10 years.  He was an alcoholic and also had issues with drugs which is what led to our divorce.  I own my part in the downfall of our marriage because once I became a mom that is all that mattered to me, being a wife came last.  Over the past 10 years my ex would still call me for advice because I knew him better than anyone.  I got to see the sober version of him and he was a good person with so much to offer the world, but he could not put down the bottle.  He had an estranged relationship with our girls because of his drinking.  All I ever wanted was for him to find sobriety and happiness.  Instead he died alone.  He was ill, told no one, turned to the bottle and ultimately his addiction won.  I am angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed and have so many other emotions I can't even describe.  His parents continue to lie to me about his passing and addiction, they blame me, even though I have never done drugs, don't drink and begged them to help me help him for years and they always told me they didn't want to get involved.  They plan to spread his ashes and want to take my daughters, but I need and want to be there, for closure and to support my daughters, they are only 15 and 11.  I am dealing with all of this alone because my husband doesn't understand how or why I feel the way I do.  I have no one to talk to or help me cope.  All of this plus other outside matters are making my depression rear it's ugly head, yet another thing my husband does not understand.  I continue to get up and go to work, do all the things I need to do daily, care for my kids and take care of things at home, but then I cry myself to sleep, become moody and distant which causes problems between my husband and I.  I need support and don't know where else to turn at this point, so here I am.