where i am at right now

[elizabeth murray]

hi guys, peter's 4th aniversary came and went on november 5th. i am doing ok and did a piece of work for uni this morning that i am proud of. i'm pretty contented with life even with my arthritis and stuff. i'm just thankful to have met my late husband peter in my lifetime and the memories i have. i wish it could've gone on longer but let's say nothing in my life could be improved by doing anything different to what i'm doing now. people say get a man or buy a bigger house or start a business etc but it would only bring stress and more unnecessary work. i'm in a position to do bits of business with my jewellery making as and when it happens. i go out to the cafes to see people, but the main thing for me to focus on is my uni work and writing. even financially that's best thing for me and my beneficiaries in the future. i don't know about other folk but often i can't keep up with the "changes" of growing older. i just don't want the same things these days i wanted when i was younger. when i was young i was competitive and liked feeling independent but these days i just like being cared for and am thankful for my lovely lady carers. nothing is a big worry to me these days like it used to be when i was young. i realised a couple months ago that most of my worries are "other people". i guess we all wanna be liked so when i go out i do tend to try too hard to please other people and worry what other people think of me. that's why i enjoy leading my own monastic life at home these days so i can focus on my spiritual life. even with my christian faith i do like the buddhist thinking and am in tune with the buddhist way of life too that is keep a stress free and simple lifestyle, and be at peace with yourself and not be sucked into the turmoil of the world. when i was young i wanted excitement but these days i prefer serenity. some friends are taking me to the buddhist monastery here in scotland next year and i heard there is even one for women somewhere in the east. might just suit me lol except then i couldn't have all my possessions around me. done just about everything i've wanted to in my life and worked hard so now just want to enjoy it :) i have no kids and i've gone beyond worrying about this world as king solomon said there is nothing new under the sun. the only thing on my mind really these days is my spiritual life and what will happen to me in the next. i hope i will be reunited with peter again for ever this time. the days of "doing" are gone for me it's time for storytelling and drinking wine now :) mmmm maybe time for a nice glass of amaretto???

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