I'm in such a unique situation that I don't even consider therapists or pills. I'm stuck in my life with no way out...
My son was born prematurely at 25 and a half weeks. He has very poor lungs and spent the first 13 months in the ICU where he was never without myself or his mother, only to die during his discharge and be revived, but not quite the same. He's still There but there was significant brain damage, spending another 5 months in the ICU waiting for him to recover and now only able to see him when visiting his rehab facility where he will be for the rest of his life.
Because of where he is being rehabilitated we had to move to be close to him, but as a result the uproot has taken us away from friends and family. It's. So. Isolating.
I spend my days wondering if I'm being selfish keeping him here with us or if he earned his right to be here by staying alive and fighting this long. When born they called him terminal and have him no more than 2 years to live. I'm terrified every time the phone rings that it'll be a doctor calling with bad news.
I love my son. I cherish him. But I can't talk to my wife too much because I don't want to put thoughts of selfishness in her head, I don't want to end my son, nor do I want a life of thinking I opted to do it. We have no friends, we've watched our family fade away, surprisingly a child in a bed can even get stale for blood as well as friends when there isn't tons of progress.
My wife and I can't really go away because vacations put us too far away. For almost 2 years we've spent every day with him at his bedside. We've tried all kinds of things to distract us from our lives, smoking weed, having threesomes, whatever we could think of to try and regain the feeing of being Alive. Feeling something besides blameless anger and frustration. Nothing truly helps. We still feel the absence of our living child everytime we are in our apartment away from him. He is the most precious and beautiful baby with these big fat cheeks.
Maybe I just needed to vent, doesn't really help. But nobody understands, and I just can't keep it bottled up anymore.