Losing my mother mentally and psychically

[Douglas W.]

My name is Doug and I am 22 years old in Allentown, PA. This forum is really hard for me to right because it involves some very personal things in my life that I don't normally talk about. My mother has recently been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer and has maybe 2 months left. My parents, my whole life have not always been present. My father had to work out of state a lot so I never really got to see him very much growing up. My mother has never been involved with my life due to her drug/alcohol abuse. I never wanted to be around it because I wanted more our of life than that. I am not writing this forum to talk about what a bad person she is or why she was a bad mother... I am writing this to paint the picture of my life for some advice. I am very lost right now mentally and I need some help. 

From the time I was 5 my mother would leave for years at a time. She lives in a different state that is a 6 hour drive for me to get there. She would leave because she could escape the reality of being a parent to my brother and I. Unfortunately addiction has always been a disease that she would choose over her own family. My parents were never married but separated very early on but stayed in the category of "on and off."

I currently have my home with my husband and my father lives about 20 minutes from me with his new wife. My older brother lives with my mother and is a drug addict as well. (You really do turn into your environment.) My brother did have a lot going for him, he was deans list in college. Sadly, he failed out due to drug use running his life. To escape the embarrassment, he left my dad and moved in with my mom. I think it was because... Well... my mom really couldn't judge him, you know? 

Looking back, I can remember when I was really young making New Years resolutions about my mom becoming sober and moving back home so I could have a mother. It never happened but occasionally she would come to visit me for a week or two maybe every other year. Even trying to reach her with a phone call was impossible. I could go months without hearing if she is alive, where she is, or who she is with. It just makes this situation that much harder to deal with. I do love her very much. I mean, she did bring me into this world. I did always wish she was apart of it though. 

The memories I do have with my mom were not always the most pleasant. Having her friend baby-sitting us and molesting my brother and I, being in so much pain from surgery and her stealing my medications and replacing them with something completely different, etc. If you have every watched the Netflix show "Shameless", that is my life exactly. I just never participated in anything illegal, drugs, or drinking, etc. 

I went to my doctor about a year ago having extreme memory loss issues. Forgetting things like my last name, being in Wal-mart and forgetting where I am, and much more. My doctor explained that I have PTSD from my childhood and I should seek therapy/anti-depressants for my memory issues. I did end up doing that and it is helping. 

The past year I completely put up a wall to my family because I could not deal with the drama/heart pain anymore. It was such a hard year not even speaking to her on her birthday, Christmas, Mothers day, etc. It kills me today that I will never have another opportunity to make that up to her. But I needed to make sure I was mentally stable and that involved cutting her off from my life. The only time I would ever get a call from her would be for money, to talk crap on my dad, or anything about her. NEVER how I am doing. I was the bigger person though and always listened and gave advice. She just never took it. 

I am dealing with tons of guilt due to this. Just the thought of her not actually being here really soon is killing me. I am failing at my job and I just cannot get the subject off of my mind. My husband gives me comfort and so does my therapist but nothing makes me feel any better. Not that I would ever wish my life on my worst enemy, but I do wish there was someone out there who has dealt with this. Someone who can tell me when the pain will end and how I can move on. 

I found out about her cancer on January 7th and I instantly left my job that day and drove down to see her in the hospital. No one knew I was coming down so it was a total surprise. When I arrived to the hospital, I saw a police officer outside of her door. He said she cannot be alone because she was on suicide watch... I walked in an woke her up and she barely realized who I was. It has been almost 2 years since I have seen her. She did seem very happy to see me but just kept complaining about everything in her life that is wrong. I just sat and listened but thought to myself "You wanted to take your life and you wouldn't even leave a note or say goodbye?" It was really hurtful because I do really care for her. The next day we had a meeting with hospice including my mom, myself, my husband, my brother and my moms sister. The whole time it just seemed like my mom didn't care she was going to pass. I wanted to come down to see her because I wanted to explain to her that I did not hate her, I just wish we could have had some time together in life but the drugs and alcohol always was first. I just wanted her around. I missed so much in life with my mom like not taking prom pictures, birthdays forgotten, putting up a Christmas tree, or the normal things you should do in life. I had none of it.

I asked everyone to leave the room for a little and let us have our moment to talk. I started to explain how I felt and the tears just poured out of my eyes explaining why I am struggling so much with her passing. About 2 minutes into our conversation, a woman came into the room and just looked at me and said "who the f*ck are you?" My mom said this is my son, Doug. The woman then sat on the opposite side of my bed. This was my mothers drug dealer who has been her friend for years. My mom then started talking with her and didn't acknowledge me at all. After about 35 minutes of listening to them, I told her I would see her tomorrow and I left. I never did get the chance to talk to her because I couldn't take off of work any longer. I went home and she has not taken my calls barely since. Even today Feb. 6th, I have no idea where she is? Who she is with? My phone number to call her.

Well, this forum has gotten really long so I will get to the point. I have painted my life and what I am dealing with... What would you do in this situation? I am beating myself up to make sure I am mentally prepared for her to die. I am afraid once she is gone, I am always going to feel like this. Empty with no progress in 22 years of life. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.