Help for today & Hope for tomorrow

Missing my mother

My mother was just about 18 years old when she had me back in the 60's. My father was not in the picture when he found out that she was pregnant, so when I was born it was her mother who was with her. My mother eventually married a fellow whom she had known since the age of 14, and they had three children. Out of the four kids, I was closest to my mother. We could be like oil and water; but at the same time it was like we needed each other to breath. That is how our relationship was.

In 2007 she was diagnosed with COPD and had to quit smoking. Something that must have been hard for her since she had smoked since age 14. Her condition over time worsened and she ended up in and out of hospital. She was on many prescriptions and eventually spent most of her day in bed. My father ( stepfather) looked after her when he came home from work until eventually he could not do it anymore due to her health so she was moved into a care facility in October 2012. She did not want to go and I did not want her to either as I knew that once she left she would never see home again. One chapter of life closing and another opening. Not something I wanted to think about or deal with. I visited her but not as often as I could have as it was so emotionally hard to see my beautiful mother deteriorating. I let the nurses know that I wanted to be contacted when it was near the end. I finally got that call at 1:30 pm Christmas Day. Off I went in a hurry. The day was overcast, had been raining but had stopped. I called my dad and asked him if he was going to be there and he told me no but to talk to the nurses and then call him. Heck with that I thought. They were married 46 years and if he cared about her enough he would leave his daughter's house and not question her condition. I have to admit that when I walked into her room I was nervous. I walked up to her and gave her a kiss and wished her a Merry Christmas. Her eyes were closed and I tried to wake her but no luck. I made my way down to the nurses station only to find out that she had slipped into a coma. I walked back to her room with tears running down my face as I knew I would not hear her voice again, nor would she open her eyes to look at me. I pulled up a chair and started to talk to her about when myself and my siblings were younger. I happened to glance out the window and it was snowing. Looked like a picture postcard and that is what I told my mother. I could hear Christmas songs being sung out in the lounge by her door and for some reason I was not scared or nervous anymore. The room felt peaceful and I started to sing along. I kept talking to my mother and glancing at the window where the snow continued to fall. I actually wondered where it had come from; the snow. I held my mothers hand and listened to her struggle as she breathed. I finally told her that it was time for her to go home now so that she would not suffer anymore. I let her know that she would not have to worry about leaving me, that I would be fine and that I loved her so much. I bent down and put my cheek to hers as the tears slipped down my cheeks. Then it was if someone whispered in my ear to look at my mother. I did just that and I watched her take her last breath. I looked at the clock in the room and it was 3:20 pm and still snowing. I called my father to let him know she had passed and he said he was almost there, he had been on his way.

I watched her being wheeled out on a gurney by the Funeral Home and as my spouse and I left the building about 6 pm, stood outside and realized it had stopped snowing. Matter of fact there was no indication that it had ever snowed. I looked up at the sky to see the sun peeking out in one spot. I said out loud " Mom is finally home". Now here it is four years later and the snow fall puzzles me. I feel like she had invited me to be a part of her journey and the snow meant something.

After she passed, I cried so very hard and could not believe that this beautiful woman who had brought me into the world had now left it with me by her side. At the same time, I felt anger at my family as no one asked me if I wanted to be there with her. I did not want to be there with her and how dare they make me be the one.

Christmases have been very very hard. I try to keep myself busy so as not to look at the clock like I did the first Christmas after. Her birthday is 12 days after mine, so when my birthday comes, I am miserable. Mother's Day makes me miss her so much more. I go by restaurants and see so many cars, knowing families are taking mom out for lunch or dinner and I cannot do that anymore. I try to spend special occasions with my children and grand kids so I can get through my day.

Losing my mom has never ever gotten better. The pain is as fresh as it was the day she passed. On my bad days I cannot believe she is gone and this much time has passed. Four years is like ten years. Sometimes I wish that this was all just a bad dream. I miss her so so much. We used to talk on the phone almost every day and I was there was a 1-800 number for heaven as I have so much to tell her. I did not think I would ever cope as well as I have. I have such wonderful memories in my heart that are treasures! Now, I am no longer angry that I was with her when she passed; rather I look at it as a gift. Now I am ready to talk about my loss with others who have experienced the same.

Missing my mother

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