My mom.

[Sarah Leslie]

Hey all..

I have read a lot of your stories and have found comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Grief is such a unique process. Only those who have been through it can truly understand, though each situation is different. My mom was my best friend. We were so incredibly close. We literally talked at least twice a day and were constantly emailing and sending pictures back and forth. 

For a few years, my mom and I have been all worried about my dad. He has had a couple of major surgeries, and on top of that, was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. He had been in remission, but naturally, we worried for him.

July 12th, 2013. I was on my way home from work, and got a phone call from my special needs brother. All I could really understand was that my mom was in the hospital. Honestly, I didn't panic initially. She was rather clumsy and sometimes forgetful, so I figured she either cut herself badly or got another contact lens stuck in her eye. I called my dad just to make sure, and he told me that she sounded weird on the phone. He left work early to come home, and she was just sat up in bed, unable to move or speak. He called an ambulance, and by the time they were at the hospital, she was able to talk a bit and could move again. The ER doc said she may have suffered a small stroke, and wanted to keep her overnight. I still didn't completely panic at that point. They did another scan a few hours later, and found a clot that they had missed in the first scan (unbelievable!!!) so off to emergency surgery she went. At that point, I threw the dogs in the car and drove the longest six hours to Los Angeles ever. She never regained consciousness after surgery, and my dad had prepared me with that info prior to us going to the hospital together. The second I stepped into that room, and told her who I was, she sat straight up, her eyes opened, and she made a bunch of unrecognizable sounds. Though there were no words, I knew she knew I was there. That it was me. She was unconscious again very quickly after that.

The neuro doc kept doing scans and giving us this tiny glimmer of hope, despite the fact that her stroke was one of the worst he'd ever seen. 24 hours later and she was still stroking. Apparently in surgery, a bit of plaque broke off and caused the second massive stroke.

My mom was the image of health. She did yoga every day, exercised, and had no prior major medical issues. She ate well and was constantly making sure I was doing the same.

So while all of this is happening, I'm trying to find a group home for my brother, because my dad cannot keep caring for him by himself. My brother has very violent tendencies, and it just wouldn't have been a safe situation for anyone, let alone one going through grief.

Two gruesome weeks passed. I only went back to the house to shower. I lived in that room with her. I saw everything. Some of the worst images include the nurses having to suction the spit out of her mouth and throat, and her beet red, gagging, fighting them with all she had. She would often try to rip the ventilator out, so then she had her arms tied down. I'd sit next to her, holding her hand, for hours, and playing the Elton John pandora station, which was her favorite. Most of the time she'd just be laying there, lifeless, until the nurses had to do their thing. After a few days, they let me suction her mouth. She didn't fight me. Which only proved to me that there was some level of consciousness, despite what doctors were saying. Eventually we were told that her best chance at recovery, would be to wiggle a finger in a few years. She would have NEVER wanted that life. My dad and I made the decision to take her off life support. Because she was so stubborn, of course we should have known she wouldn't die then. She was moved to palliative care, where eventually I convinced my dad to bring her home to die.

She was hanging on, I think, because she hadn't gotten to say goodbye to everyone - some important ones being, her pets. One of her dogs, Cleo, slept on the chair next to her every day and night. I was on the sofa on the other side, doing the same. I'll never forget how she went from the 68-but-looked-48 youthful beauty, to a purplish mottled, dehydrated, dying skeleton of a woman. I remember that day…it was the sixth day she had been home, and I was fast asleep with Cleo in the big arm chair next to her. The hospice nurse woke me up and told me it was almost time. I jumped up in the bed with her, and just held her. My dad had stepped out of the house for ten minutes. I thought I'd be able to hold it together, but I just couldn't. I fell apart, holding her while she was taking her last breaths, with eyes glazed, but open. I was screaming, "No! No! No!" I had gotten so used to the daily routine of keeping her clean and smothered in kisses. The moment I wasn't ready for, had finally come. I was crying and screaming hysterically. I'll never forget the silence that came with that moment when she took her final breath. Somehow I knew which one was going to be her last one. And sure enough, it was. The way it sounded will forever be engrained in me. It has been just over a year, but yet I still feel like it was yesterday. Dealing with supporting my dad and finding a new living situation for my brother has obviously delayed my own grieving process. I go to therapy every week now, and it is helpful, but now the reality is all hitting me. I can't seem to find the light and happiness in everyday life right now. I am pulling away from my friends and girlfriend. I am so lost without my best friend, confidante, soul mate - my mom.

[Judy Davidson]

Hi Sarah Leslie,

I'm so sorry that you're struggling with the loss of your mother and best friend.  It's difficult to cope after we've lost someone that is near and dear to us.  Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and feelings.  Communication is key to grief recovery, so you're doing a great thing toward healing.  I'm glad that you've found comfort in knowing you're not alone.  Please reach out to other members here, in the Forum and Chat Room.  I pray this site provides Help for Today & Hope for Tomorrow.

God bless,

Judy

Founding GHN member