I lost my father 3 months ago to suicide. I feel insanely sad about the situation, i wish i could have more time with him. He was only 55, and I couldn't see him for a long time, since i had to move in another country with my mother and his abusive husband. I was not allowed to choose my father to live with due to young age. He was all alone since my grandmother died 3 years ago. I just turned 18, so sadly, I was not allowed to travel alone to my home country. His other children from an other marriage never visited him, never called him. I knew he was extremely sad and depressed, even though he always sounded so happy trough our phone calls. The day i got the heartbreaking phone call from my aunt, i instantly passed out and cried for a whole week. I could not believe my hero was gone, and i still begin to cry everytime i think about him. He was the only one who truly understood me. I always try to think about the perfect memories and funny stories we had, but as soon as I go to bed and close my eyes, the same, unbearable dream pops up. I find myself in my grandmothers house (where my father committed suicide), i see him sitting in his chair, smiling at me. One second later, I'm all alone in the cold house, trying to reach him, calling his name while the unstoppable crying and pain eats me from the inside. I would give anything to see him, hug him or hear his voice. The pain is insane, I'm a mess.
I wanted to share my story, because i feel insanely lost and nothing helps, so I thought, maybe i should seek for help where people are fighting with the same painful situation just as I do.
All the love and support, Beth