Have I even started grieving?

[Louise]

2012 was a year of loss for me. The end of the year took my sister quickly. Unexpectedly. I'm sure most people can say that. I'll start with my first loss of the year. My son married, what I thought. A sweet young lady. She already had a 4 yr old and was pregnant with her second child. My husband & I tried so hard to talk him out of it. Sweet lady or not, but he was 22 & knew more than his fuddy duddy parents did. We were reluctant about accepting these children, but our hearts were won over by these precious little girls. Two years into the marriage, before the adoption was final, she wanted a divorce. Lost my grand babies. In April, my sister was diagnosed with vaginal cancer. She went through chemo, radiation and then a 9 hour surgery to remove her vaginal tissue, bladder, and, full hysterectomy. (BTW - my mother began loosing liver function due to cirrhosis of the liver). After the surgery, she was declared cancer free by her doctor. We were soooooo overjoyed! She survived and kicked cancers ***! The day after Halloween, my nephews father was found dead from a massive heart attack. Two weeks later, on a Sunday morning, my sweet, kind, loving best friend/sister called me early in the morning to tell me that she was shopping with her husband on Saturday and her femur broke in two places as she was getting in the car. X-rays showed.... Bone cancer. By Tuesday afternoon, she was in a coma, by Tuesday night.... She was gone. The most difficult part, we lived 2000 miles from each other. I had no money to fly out, my car would probably have gotten me there, but it would have taken a month. I couldn't be with her as she drew her last breath. I couldn't be there to tell her how much I loved her. Now, it's as though a huge part of my heart, body, & soul have been forcibly RIPPED from me. Then, on December 22nd, a dear friends 10 month old grandson passed away due to SIDS. Momma's health has declined rapidly since Robin's death. She will go into hospice on Friday. I have almost completely isolated myself from my other two sisters, my brother, my dad (he and mom have been divorced since I was 13), & most sadly, my mom. She lives with my sister. Carolyn has been Mom's 24-7 caregiver for 20 months. I was going three to five times a week. Staying the night on weekends. Now, I can't even answer their calls. I go to work everyday. Thank God everyday for my fantastic husband. That's about it. I tried the pills for depression, but couldn't even get out of bed to go to work, so those are now trash. I don't know where I am in this grieving process. I ache all the time. Sometimes, my chest gets so heavy, I can't draw a breath. I haveno insurance, live check to check, so therapy isn't an option. I don't know if I'm grieving or just numb. I don't know what to do. I've never lost 5 people in one year that I was sooo close to. What's wrong with me??!!!?!?? You'd think I'd want to spend every minute with mom, but when I try to go see her. I become so paralyzed. How do I get past this?

[Laurene Johnson]

Let me start with acknowledging your profound grief, starting with your sister. The bonds we form with a sibling is a powerful bond, her loss has taken you into the process. The first stage is anger, but I refer to this as the numb stage, getting through and protecting yourself because the grief is overwhelming. Depression stage is the loss is so great that that you can not function in life with any joy. A hole you fall into that is full of your tears until you are drowning in grief. The antidepressants can help, but because they are not the miracle pill we stop taking them, this is not advised. Understand you have suffered great loss and you are going through the normal steps of grief. While I found this site to be a great help to me, your personal life ie: work is being affected. There are group therapy through local hospitals that either don't cost much or are free, you might check them out. Next your Mother, you may be avoiding seeing her, watching her die to protect yourself from further loss, in avoidance perhaps it is not real, this stage is bargaining
You don't see her it is not real. You have suffered great loss, more than most in a single year. My best advice is yes get support here, but seek extra help as well, in the long run you will feel better and can start working to mend your life. Time will not heal all, changes that we make over time will.

[Louise]

Tonight, we brought mom to hospice compassionate care. Not sure what to expect.

[Laurene Johnson]

People who work in hospice do a great job of preparing for the end days, yet we are not always ready to hear and receive the information, take one day at a time.

[Louise]

So, momma went into hospice Friday night. Seems like everyone was there yesterday. Mom got really upset and it took the staff a long time to get her calmed down. I always speak with the nurses before I go so that I know how things went, if things need to adjust. I'd rather be proactive. Anyway, as I feared, yesterday was to much for mom. One sister tried to be preachy to the caregiver sister and we now have our first hurt feelings. I know all families go through similar things during this time, but I am trying to be ever vigilant that I don't go there. This is sad enough without added drama. Ya know? I am so thankful for Nadine. She was able to be the voice of reason so that I wouldn't have to try and settle things. We must realize that this is more about remembering that mom can hear us, be comforted by us, and not have to respond to us. She can draw piece from listening to us sing, talk about the good times. And how much we love her. It doesn't have to be a family reunion. Time for each of us to have quiet alone time to say good bye. There are parts of this that are hard to process, and I'm glad that I didn't have to see my sister go through this. But now there's a part that wishes that I had the time, even if it was them putting the phone to her ear, that I'd had this time with my sister. God, Jesus, I need you know more than ever!!!