Lost my mom - she was an MS warrior for 43 years.

[Nicole Miller]

I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to let go.  I thought I had been long prepared for this day...I was so very wrong.  The emotional ocean I was dropped into was shocking. It has been like treading water in jeans, a sweater and sneakers and some moments I am more buoyant than others.  She wasn't sick...when I got the call that she was in the ER, I figured it would be another in an out. And it was...the first visit anyone. A few hours later she was back and being transported Code 3 to a neighboring hospital where I was met in the parking lot by the ER doctor and asked, "how much do you want to put her through."  Less than 3 hours later, she was gone.  That's the short version. I am still struggling with all of it and the short 43 years I had with her. I started being her caregiver, on some level, at the age of 15.  By 25 I was curled up in her hospital bed, bawling, with the many life changes we were facing.  She fought harder and longer than I would have ever imagined and yet, I am still shattered by her passing.  I feel, at times, alone, uncertain and almost without purpose. Yet, I have so many amazing blessings in my life.  I have reached out to local counseling and it should start in the next week or so and I am looking forward to it. I have much to sort out and reckon with.  Loss and grief are unimaginable.  Thank you for allowing this space...it helps to type out some of my thoughts and feelings. She was an amazing woman who's life was far less than she deserved.  I miss her.  So much.