Mom died. Angry. Anxious. Scared.

[lycka]

She died after three days in the hospital. Before that, she was sick for a week. We thought it was just a bad flu. But after checking with the doctor, turns out, there was something wrong with her blood. It was so fast. But, looking back, I feel like a part of me already knew what was happening while it was happening. That was back in the third week of July.

I'm the eldest. 21 years old. My younger brother in college is the difficult child, always has been. Then there are my little sisters barely into their teen years. And my dad, who loved mom so much, whom mom loves just as much. They were the PDA kind of couple, also the kind that fought each other aggressively. Honestly, it was kind of traumatizing (as every couple in our extended family fight aggressively too).

Anyways, I'm supposed to be my siblings' mother now. I've always been a depressive, severely anxious, unmotivated person. I was trying to finally control that self-destructive, mentally unhealthy part of me, and this happens. Just when I was feeling optimistic, still awfully anxious, yes, but I was going to get a job and live in a different country and give my family all the things they need and want. I was going to finally be stable. I was finally going to be in control of myself. And this happens. Just like that. She was gone. My little sisters don't have a mom anymore. They're too young to lose a mom. My dad won't have someone to drive to a bar with and get drinks with and stay up late to watch stupid action flicks with and go to prayer groups with, no one to hold hands with during mass or when the family goes out. My brother won't have someone to nag him to do his chores and go between him and dad when they fight. Just like that.

I'm angry. Furious. Frustrated. Another f-word I don't think is allowed to be written in this website (I'm not allowed to swear here, am I ?) I'm resentful, because why my mother? She was a good mom even though we didn't see eye-to-eye most of the time. She was the sweetest mom, as my friends have told me. So why her?

It's futile to ask that, I know. I understand. We all die. Expire. Transcend our physical bodies. Whatever you call it. I understand it's part of life and you can't hold on to everything. It's a reality, not beautiful or ugly. Just the truth. Death just is. Like how love just is. It's not romantic, not cinematic. Death is everywhere and here. I understand. But understanding and feeling are not mutually exclusive.

I feel. I thought I was sad before, when everything was handed to me, when the only tragedy I've ever experienced was almost killing myself. But this, now, this is surreal. My brain knows. But my heart doesn't catch up. I don't think it wants to, but when it does, it hurts so freaking bad.

And sometimes I don't feel much. My limbs are heavy. My wrists are weak. I am listless. But at the same time, sometimes I don't feel the intensity of my sadness. That bothers me. It has always bothered me whenever I don't feel anything or I don't know what to feel or I don't feel much.

It hurts when I particularly remember something my mom did and said and whatever. I know it's homesickness and nostalgia, or at least, I've identified it as such. Maybe I'm nostalgic for the idea of having her here? Maybe we're all ideas to other people, just more fleshed out to the people who unconditionally love us? Nobody truly knows us, inside and out. Probably not even the person whom you choose to spend the rest of your life with. Maybe. Still, I miss her. But when I see a picture of her, it doesn't look like her. It doesn't feel like it's her. I'm confused.

Generally, I just worry about my family. When I hear my dad's voice shake while asking us if we want to eat. When my brother does or says something that might sadden or piss off my dad. When my sisters need something that they'd usually ask of mom. I'm supposed to actively take care of them. Me, a spoiled, anxiety-ridden kid who quit her job and read books all day. What do I know of mom things? I know I have to trust my family to process their grief, to survive and bear this, but I worry. I'm scared.

And none of my friends or my extended family know how it's like to lose a parent (and in my dad's case, a wife). They can tell us to "be strong" and to "take care of each other" and to "call when you need something", but they don't know how it feels to not see or hear or touch or live with someone you've been with your entire life. It feels like their words of encouragement or their advices or whatever are invalid because they've never been in this place before. They've never had this, so it's easy for them to say all those things. And then they would freakingn go home to their complete family, kiss their husbands or wives or mothers or fathers or brothers or sisters. And I'm angry. I'm angry because how dare them and life and anything? If I were still a theist (been an agnostic for a few years now), if I still believed in my family's religion, I would also ask how dare god? But that's arrogant. I'm human, so is my mom. We're nothing special. We all die. It's just how it goes.

But I'm still angry. Because I can't and don't want to talk to friends or relatives about this because they don't know this dark place. I can describe to them how it feels over and over again but no, they won't ever get it like that. They can sympathize, but it's not really enough. Because this happening made me feel like I'm a different species, like I'm in another dimension. I've heard a different language and have learned it, and they haven't. I know my relatives have lost my mom too but my maternal relatives live far away and we've never really been close, and my paternal relatives--well, let's just say I would go to them for emotional support. My friends, well, they still live in a world where death isn't as close.

I'll say it: I resent them because they don't know this grief and death like I do, like my father and siblings do. They'll grieve, but they won't want to crumble because of it. So I'm angry. And that's why I'd rather talk to strangers who are feeling this, than people close to me who grieve second-handedly, who grieve not by blood and lifetime bond and unconditional love, but by familiarity or whatever. I don't know. I don't know.

But I know I don't want to feel like this forever. I'm tired of being depressed and anxious and stuck. And I have to go through the whole shebang all over again, only this time, more painful. Unbearable. And for how long exactly? I'm scared. Only this time, it's not just for me, but more for my whole family.

I stopped praying when I found that religion couldn't help me get through my disorder before. But now, I feel like I could pray again. This time, to my mom.

[c l]

See I cant even do this right I'm sorry I asked that. Just lost my mom in July not coping well She had Alzheimers. I act like I'm ok in front of people but lose it when I'm alone. I feel so list and scared too. I am many many years older than you but at any age our mom is special to us I lost my dad years ago losing my mom feels worse If I could hear her voice or see her face just one more time just to know she's OK I would be OK but........

[lycka]

hi c l. no, she didn't have Alzheimer's . She seemed really healthy and strong, but ever since she was young, she had low blood. She was really anemic and that sort of was a problem, especially that she was so hardworking to the point of exhaustion.

And don't worry. I understand how we are not in the best shape now, so I didn't take any offense about your question.

I know--maybe knowing how our mothers are currently doing would help us. I believe in afterlife, so I would absolutely want to know how she is. If I know she is happy, maybe it would help me feel better. I'm going to look for a psychic, a real deal, because there are so many hacks out there. But still, it's so difficult, to live w/o her. I don't know how anyone survives this. It baffles me.

[Adriana Taylor]

Hello, I know its been a few months since this was written, but I just joined the site today. I felt every word you said, I lost my precious mom and very best friend in April 2015.  The day my life stopped. I feel lost, lonely, hopeless, and all around depressed. I'm single w/o kids so I feel no purpose left in my life. None. My hopes and dreams are gone.

I was my mom's caregiver for a few years, and now my house is quiet, empty, and lonely. We were best friends, travel companions, and shopping/eating buddies. I too am ANGRY. I feel God let me down and left me alone. My faith has been shattered and I'm struggling a lot to get it back. Its still no where near what it was before. Some people say God didn't do this but He allowed it, to me that's pretty much the exact same thing. He didn't do it, but He stood there and let it happen. What's the difference??!! If it were a crime, He'd be just as guilty as the one who actually did it.

I'm so very jealous of my brother. He's married, kids, business, and has reasons to get up in the morning. I can stay in bed all day and I feel like it wouldn't make a bit of difference. I don't know why I'm still here, and I don't want to be. But for some reason I still am, and I have no idea why. I've thought of some terrible things, like them getting a divorce so they could feel what its like to be lonely and have no future, no dreams anymore. Then maybe they could relate.

I cry all the time and sometimes I just sit on the couch and watch tv, because I just don't see the reason to do anything else. I've taken Griefshare classes and they've helped, and I learned that everyone grieves differently and there is no time frame. I feel anxious and worried about the future and all these feelings we have are normal in the grieving process. That helped me a little, hope that helps you. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say no one understands. They don't. They can't understand the severe pain of losing someone so precious and being left alone with everything so terribly different. Nothing to look forward to and no one in that house to tell. I have family and friends, but they do not understand this pain. I love them for trying to help me, but I'm still in deep pain. I don't know what to do or where to go. My heart is literally broken.

[lycka]

Hi adriana. the death of someone we love often leaves our faith and our sense of purpose disturbed. It gets us in a dark place where the bad things seem endless, and words from other people who mean well and who want to comfort us are useless. I'm so sorry that we have to feel this way; that we have to get angry at a faceless god, that we feel alone in this deep unbearable pain. I'm so sorry that we are left to think "what is the point of all this?" Me saying sorry probably doesn't make any difference; it won't erase our pain and it won't bring our mothers back. but I am just so sick of feeling this way.

It's good to hear that your grief classes have helped you, even if it's only a little. we need all the morsels of help we can get. and I hope that it's enough to get you by until you find your faith and purpose and hopes and dreams back. It's a struggle, but I keep my hope that this life we have on earth right now isn't all there is. Existence is beyond what we experience, and we're only seemingly random and chaotic details of a much bigger picture wherein every action and reaction pushes and pulls each other in all directions to create a system. We can't understand it, as limited as we are as humans, but I have faith that we are part of something. Maybe it's a strange thing to think, or maybe it makes sense, but I believe that my mother and your mother, and those who have died, they all get to be completely one with whatever it is that binds all existence. I don't think we're bodies with souls, I believe we're souls with bodies. I'm not particularly religious even though I was raised as a catholic, but it doesn't erase the faith I have that we all end up after death back to the same place and state of being where we came from. call it god or the universe or whatever, we can name it but we can't fully understand it right now. and this belief gives me hope that we can be with our mothers again.

the thing is, I just think about being my mom's legacy. she was 45 years old when she died, and way too young. she focused on raising me and my siblings because she wanted to make sure that we are properly taken care of, not by nannies or something, but by her. she didn't work much, only during the last few months of her life. and I keep thinking that I better make something good out of my life, I better use my talents and intelligence to help people and help myself, to make even a microscopic point in time and space a little bit better for living. I keep thinking that if I did that, it would extend the influence of my mother's life. she did her best to raise a good kid out of me, and I want to extend that goodness to other people as well. it would be difficult, because the pain of this grief brings me anger and resentment and fear, but I just have to keep holding on to the thought of my mother's legacy through me.

adriana, I really hope you realise that you have something to keep yourself moving onwards and upwards. I don't believe it's a matter of moving on because acceptance is different from moving on. I believe this is about having your love stay alive even when the person you love is no longer on this earth. it seems that not a lot of people understand this pain, but sooner or later, everyone will know what it feels like to have someone you love die. it's different for everybody of course, but death is death. I hope you find support from people who knows what it's like. 

and if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to leave a message. this is an online grief support system after all, and I'll be sure to reply.