Tremendous Guilt

[Raven]

I lost my husband of 10 years to cancer on April 20, 2012.  He battled cancer for 4 years.  We thought he had finally beaten it in 2011.  He was in remission for 1 year.  Our marriage was difficult before the cancer, and then when the cancer came in 2008, it became worse to intolerable with his anger, which he directed at me.  When he became abusive, I left him and filed for divorce.  But then the cancer returned, and he died 4 months later.  

Now I have tremendous guilt.   I am filled with self-hatred that I didn't return to him when he got sick again. I cry all the time and break down, even in public.  I have lost 2 jobs because I can't function.  I'm barely able to get out of bed, and I've prayed for God to take me.  

I joined this forum today.  I am hoping for better days.

[Laurene Johnson]

I hope you have been seeking help. You know just because he was dying does not mean you had to put yourself back into an abusive relationship. Start by forgiving him, then forgive yourself. It is okay to feel the way you do, and go through the stages of grief and regret. But this is affecting your life and that is not healthy. Trust me with all the love in my heart sent your way seek some help, group or a counselor they help you put things into better light. Get well and take care of yourself

[Fran Gambino]

Raven, I was wondering how you are?

[Raven]

Thank you Fran, for your thoughtful reply.

I am still breaking down every day, but I have managed to maintain

a job since October 14.  I go home after work every day and go to bed.  I know that this is not the way to live life,

so I am seeking help with a psychiatrist and a counselor.

[Courtnay]

My father died of a brain tumor and about midway through he completely changed. It effect his whole personality and habits. Almost like a mental illness. But there is a saying that goes "it's the tumor talking" And even though I said that it still hurts. When it comes down to it we have to take care of ourselves first.

[Raven]

Thank you Fran for your reply.  Yes, I think my husband became mentally ill as a result of the 4 chemotherapies and numerous surgeries he's had. As of 3 weeks ago, I began seeing an M.D. psychiatrist.  However, I still am not feeling any relief.  My friends and family are suggesting I go into the hospital, but I am afraid of losing my job.  Has anyone received any help from grief by going into the hospital?

[Raven]

Hi Courtney, 

I realized it was you that replied to my message (not Fran).  

Thank you for your reply!

[Fran Gambino]

Hi, Raven, I actually did send you a reply and when I was trying to send it, I accidentally deleted it!!!  Do you belong to Grief Streets?  I find this particular group VERY supportive and helpful.  I have had complicated grief much of my life, and have been in the hospital and/or partial hospitalization.  It has helped a great deal.  Also, are you seeing a grief counselor on a regular basis.  I highly recommend a specialist, but a good counselor that you trust is without measure.  I very much like Grief Streets as the people subscribed are very honest and so understanding and supporting, there is nothing you can't say.

The value of taking time to feel and experience your grief is also without measure.  The pills can only curb the feelings, but the feelings MUST be expressed eventually for you to heal completely.  If you have any questions at all, please feel free.

Fran