Its been 15 years since my sister was in a collision with a train, I was12, she was 18, & at first I think my grief process was "normal" if you could really call it that, but it seemed to pass quickly, & within 2 years I just went downhill so badly. I started skipping class to avoid the questions, the sad stares, & people talking about it, started smoking, drinking, using marijuana, sneaking out, I ran away, started stealing, & basically made a huge mess of my life up to that point. I was put on juvenile probation for an extended period of time, got back in school & finished 8th grade, got off probation later that year, started high school, ran with the wrong crowd, & went downhill again, drank more than ever, used harder drugs, would stay away from home for days hidden when my mom or others were looking for me. I met an older man, & became involved when I thought he loved me, got pregnant right before my 16th birthday, got clean, kept it hid four a very short time, time, found out when I was 7 months along he had been cheating with his ex wife, & at least 5 of my friends, I stayed in fear of being a single 16 year old mom, I was daily degraded by him, or people in the town. I delivered my son on April 12, 2004, when the dad left the hospital he was at his ex wife's house, it was an extremely difficult labor & delivery with many complications, took baby home the morning of the 14th, he seemed fine, but the next day he stopped breathing & his face swelled, rushed to an e.r. where they airlifted he & I to p.I.c.u. at St. Francis, his system shutdown, & on the 17th at 5 days old I had to make the choice to shutoff the machines, he passed away about 2 hours later in my arms at 11:47 pm, became extremely depressed, & shut down emotionally & pulled away from everyone, I found out I was pregnant again around 6 months later, im not sure why I stayed with the father, my heart just wasn't into moving forward or moving on. I delivered my 2nd son June 3, 2005, he was a little early & had a few problems but all was well, when he was 5 months old his dad was arrested for rape, & molestation of his 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage, & 4 underage girls around town. Baby was put in Foster care, from December 4, till February 14. They made me have a psychological evaluation to be sure I could handle caring for a baby considering all the stresses & issues I had & still was dealing with. I was put on medication, parenting classes, blood tested to make sure I was taking the meds, supervised visitation once a week, I got 2 jobs, helped my mom with bills, provided formula diapers etc. The best I could anyways, paid child support while he was fostered, I got him back in 2 months & 10 days. Best Valentines day ever, dated a few, got rid of the last one after having enough of being beatup on, then in 07 met a good Guy, married in 08, had a baby boy, enlisted in the national guard, things were great for the first time since I was 12. My mom is in the final stages of kidney failure, she was born with kidney disease, & she has been hospitalised at least 14 times in the last 5 months, she is at the point of having maybe a few months left & I'm freaking out, I have been dealing with bipolar disorder, manic depression, anger control issues, compulsive erratic tendencies, for years now & it is at the worst its ever been. I absolutely cannot discuss any of this with anyone I know, even when I'm trying or want to I uncontrollably shut down & physically cannot force myself to talk. I don't understand it...it is frustrating me to no end. If I don't speak it, & if its an anonymous kind of situation I can do it easier.

I wrote about things from years ago because the grief that wasn't really there so strongly at that present time, is hitting pretty hard at the moment. I don't understand why, I feel like I shouldn't have the right to discuss it or bring it up, because others around me have moved past it. A family member recently told me "you need to spread his ashes already, more than enough time has passed, & you need to move on, & get over it." I felt ashamed of myself but don't understand why, I know I have no reason to feel this way, but can't stop myself from feeling it.