Trying to cope with the loss of my grandparents

[Laura]

I am basically on here to try and see how other people deal with loss as I am doing really badly and constantly feel like I have horrible thoughts running through my head. My gran and granddad were 85 and 87 and they passed away within 6 weeks of each other. It feels so weird typing all of this because I have hardly spoken to anyone close to me about how I am coping.

My granddad was admitted to hospital with a blood clot in his brain after falling but hadn't mentioned to anyone that he wasn't feeling right. I had been over to see them 2 days previously and was asking how they were doing and they both seemed fine. So he was in hospital and was unconscious for 3 days and I stayed with him as much as I could. On day 4 he woke up was communicating briefly in and out of consciousness and then after a couple of days he went down hill and in the space of a week since being admitted passed away. I blamed myself for not noticing any signs of him being unwell and I still do. After the funeral had passed the family had to decide what would be best for gran as she was showing signs of dementia which we knew while granddad was alive but he had clearly been covering it up a fair amount. She stayed at my uncles for a while then wanted to go home so various members of the family stayed and I would take her on mini adventures in the car because that's what granddad used to do a lot.

But with work etc it was hard to have someone stay all the time and the family didn't want to leave her by herself in case she fell and no-one was there to help her. So she went to my dads for a while until we had sorted out a carer and some emergency aids so that someone would help her if she needed it. So once that was in place I brought her home I couldn't stand the thought of leaving her on her own so promised to come down every night to have dinner, play scrabble and chat. She was really thankful and had said she was upset the first night and sat on the sofa crying all night thinking about granddad ( they had been married for 65 years) so we talked and she felt better. I had been down for 5 nights in a row since she had gotten home (all my other family members stay an hour- 9 hours away so it was hard for them to come round as much so I could give them updates when I went down so they had peace of mind). On the Wednesday I told her that I was going to the cinema and dinner with my other grandparents but that my brother was off the rigs so would be down on Wednesday night instead to play scrabble but I asked if she needed me to come down I would cancel the cinema and see her instead but she said she would be fine and that I should go enjoy myself. I went to meet my granma and papa in Dunfermline and they seemed a bit off but I wasn't sure why as we were going back I had taken my uncle and his girlfriend in my car and my grandparents were in their car in front and they text saying they were going to come to my house and I said it was okay they should just go home as it was late but they insisted I didn't think anything of it at the time until I got back and saw my brothers car parked outside. When we had pulled over my granma got in my car and said she needed to talk to me which made alarm bells go off in my head for some reason as she looked so serious. She then told me that my gran had hung herself in the early evening but they didn't want to tell me when I got there as they didn't think I would of been safe to drive home after knowing this. At first I thought it was some kind of sick joke and couldn't get into my head what she was telling me I felt sick, numb, in shock and like my whole world had been turned upside down. Thankfully my brother had been on his way to see her but got stuck in traffic when my dad had phoned to tell him what had happened so didn't walk in and see her like that. I blame myself so much because I had been with her the last 5 days how could I have missed any signs that she was going to do that. Its been 4 months and I am not doing well at all I hardly sleep and when I do I wake up in hysterics, I walk around at work trying to fool everyone into thinking I am fine when I am empty and lost inside. If I could I would stay in bed and never leave the house when I am driving I have constant thoughts of what would happen if I just crashed m car the pain would finally disappear. These are not healthy things to think but I cannot make them go away I just don't know what to do anymore I am exhausted and constantly breaking down. I feel so weak typing all of this but I just need to get it out but I don't want to tell anyone that I'm close to because they all have enough going on, same with all of the people on here too. Nobody has to reply its a huge blog I understand no one probably has time to read it.

[Judy Davidson]

Hi Laura,

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandparents.  You're absolutely right; sometimes the pain can be unbearable.  But I promise it will get better in time.  You've come to the right place to be supported by people who understand how you're feeling. Communication is key to grief recovery so you're doing a great thing by sharing your feelings.  Please feel free to reach out to other members directly and through their Forum Posts and Member Blogs.  The chat room tends to have more people in it at night and the Blog Posts on the Home Page can be helpful too.  I pray this site provides Help for Today & Hope for Tomorrow.

God bless,

Judy

Founding Member