alone

[Jen]

I lost my husband in April of 2012 - not a year yet.  Between us there are 8 adult children that I am now responsible to.  It has been an amazing blessing sharing this loss with th ekids but I feel like while I have been there for them, I haven't been there for myself.  I have no idea how to move beyond the internal despair and loneliness.  A keep up a pretty good mask when people are around but once I am alone, the feelings come back and ht me hard.  My husband was diagnosed with cancer at the end of February and he went to his reward on April 2nd.  The whilash feeling has not let up.  Here is that hard part to admit - I know he is in his heaven because of his strong faith - I feel him watching over all of us - and I wish that were enough.  Even knowing all of that, the "what about me feeling" doesn't go away. Good for him, he is in heaven - I am left to deal with the earthly difficulties.  This  without a doubt the most unfair situation I can imagine!  At the same time I am really not proud of feeling that way.  I just needed somewhere that I could admit the truth inside me.

[Laurene Johnson]

I lost my Husband in Dec of 2011, I too have adult children. I too know that he in heaven yet I was so lonely and nothing gave me relief. About two months ago I came to understand a few things. I stopped being angry at him for leaving me, for making me so sad. I stopped being strong for the kids, and told them just how I felt, one at a time because all together was too much. What I wanted was my life back but as we both know that will not happen. I worked hard on finding a new life with things that could fill the space. I started painting, volunteered for thrift store, planned for the future. I could get busy living or get busy dying. Even if we don't die physically, a part of us is dying each day, and a large part that made us whole died with our husbands. Remember it is okay to feel like you do. Once I decided there was nothing wrong with my feelings I felt better about them, there is no right and wrong in where our feelings have taken us. I got so tired of everyone telling me it takes time. It is not the time that helps it is the small changes we make in our lives over time that slowing help us to make a new life, even though we don't want a new life. But after a year I know deep in my heart that My Michael would want me happy. The first step toward feeling better is forgiveness, this took a huge weight off. Your children need to understand how you feel, they expect you to grieve and it sends them mixed messages when you put on a happy face for them when that is not how you feel. Be true to yourself and I promise things will get better.

[Jen]

thank you and I am sorry for your loss.  Right now I just don't want a life without him. I just don't want to accept this.  I know he is in heaven but that is what is so unfair.  When people try to help, they remind me how ok he is - no more pain, with family etc.  I know all that.  I am not sad that he is gone, I am sad because I am still here.  I have always risen to every challenge life has handed me (and there have been many) but this one feels insurmountable.  I hear the drama in that statement and I know it will pass but the pain is too incredible for me to communicate to people who haven't felt it before.  Dan's dad passed away 11 months after his mom and they always said he died of a broken heart.  I now understand that emotional space.  I seriously wish I didn't understand.

[Laurene Johnson]

I do understand, all I wanted was to be with him. I got sick of the he is in a better place and I am in hell. I was very unsure just how was I suppose to live without him. Well I am trying, I don't like it but I am trying. Small changes in your life over time will help. I know you are not ready and that is okay, remember they are your feelings, and you can feel anyway you want.

[Jen]

it is really helpful to hear that someone else has experienced similar feelings.  This is not something that we are ever taught how to deal with.  Thank you for being a sounding board!

 

[Laurene Johnson]

Yes, I have been there, I did not make a turn until Nov. I had and have all the same feelings. There are no magic words to change things. One day at a time.