Can't move on.....

[Tanya George]

I don't know if anyone visits this site often... I'm going to drastically shorten my story, and I'll explain everything in more detail later...

I've never been on an online chat before, but I know I need help dealing with the loss of my older brother. He passed away a little over two years ago. Instead of grieving and dealing with his death, I kept burying my feelings... At first I took care of my parents and sister-in-law, then I pretended he never died, changed the subject, and, if I started to cry in front of anyone, I'd simply make an excuse to leave the room so I could get myself under control.

I have two daughters and a wonderful husband. I love them very much; however, I've always felt guilty that I'm alive while my brother isn't. My mom and I talked recently. She said when the police came to the house she knew something had happened... But she never thought it was my brother because he was her good child. I can't get the idea that I should have died instead of my brother and after talking with my mom my thoughts have gotten worse.

My husband and my friends are worried about me, and I realize that I need help dealing with my grief.

[maryellenmcquown]

i am sorry for the loss of your brother i felt the same way at first but then i realized that if i did something to myself everyone would miss me and so i didn't  it has been 2 years and 1 month since mom died and i still miss her so much but i know but then i think of all my friends that i would hurt if i did hurt myself . 

[Debbie Wright]

Tanya, I just read your post and my heart was so heavy that you have carried this grief inside. I did this for a year because my son and mom were so needing my help but then the time came that i needed to explode. I did and now I am trying to move forward and heal. I just want to tell you no matter what anyone says we all greive differently some it takes a month or two others months and others years.  My grandson died 15 months ago and I still cry every single day. I go through anger sadness, lonelyness and feel sometimes like Im at the end of my rope. All of these feelings are part of healing. I am now in a support group which is a great support. Try to find a support group in the area. Everyone there feels you lost because they are dealing with the lost of a loved one also. With time it will get better. One thing that helps me is I am a true believer in God and know that there is a heaven.  I know that my beautiful grandson is on the lap of Jesus. 

You have a great love for your brother.  Listen to you heart. Our love ones are forever in our hearts. I am thinking or you this holiday season and just know that my prayers and thoughts are with you now and in the upcoming months.

Debbie.