I lost my husband in April of 2012 - not a year yet. Between us there are 8 adult children that I am now responsible to. It has been an amazing blessing sharing this loss with th ekids but I feel like while I have been there for them, I haven't been there for myself. I have no idea how to move beyond the internal despair and loneliness. A keep up a pretty good mask when people are around but once I am alone, the feelings come back and ht me hard. My husband was diagnosed with cancer at the end of February and he went to his reward on April 2nd. The whilash feeling has not let up. Here is that hard part to admit - I know he is in his heaven because of his strong faith - I feel him watching over all of us - and I wish that were enough. Even knowing all of that, the "what about me feeling" doesn't go away. Good for him, he is in heaven - I am left to deal with the earthly difficulties. This without a doubt the most unfair situation I can imagine! At the same time I am really not proud of feeling that way. I just needed somewhere that I could admit the truth inside me.
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thank you and I am sorry for your loss. Right now I just don't want a life without him. I just don't want to accept this. I know he is in heaven but that is what is so unfair. When people try to help, they remind me how ok he is - no more pain, with family etc. I know all that. I am not sad that he is gone, I am sad because I am still here. I have always risen to every challenge life has handed me (and there have been many) but this one feels insurmountable. I hear the drama in that statement and I know it will pass but the pain is too incredible for me to communicate to people who haven't felt it before. Dan's dad passed away 11 months after his mom and they always said he died of a broken heart. I now understand that emotional space. I seriously wish I didn't understand.
it is really helpful to hear that someone else has experienced similar feelings. This is not something that we are ever taught how to deal with. Thank you for being a sounding board!
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