Hi, I lost my mom in April 2015 and this is my second Christmas without her. I miss her terribly and I cry all the time. I'm 45 and single, no kids, so most days I feel there is no need to get up. I have no purpose. And now its Christmas again. The first Christmas was absolutely horrible. I had to leave the room (I stayed with my brother & his family, like I am again this year) when we put up my mom's homemade ornaments. I cried, and cried, and cried. I usually cry til I wear myself out. I didn't hardly decorate at all, only a little cuz my friend was at my house. I didn't want to listen to Christmas songs, look at lights, or anything else my mom and I did together in years past.
This year isn't much different, but at least there's a little more décor in my house, and a little more Christmas music. But I just hope this season is over quick. I look at the tree with my mom's homemade ornaments and think of her all the time. It hurts, a lot. Last year I wished I could go to sleep in November and wake up in January, with all the décor down. I still wish that this year.
My jealousy for my brother is probably as bad as it was last year. He's married with kids and a business. He's so lucky to have someone to help him thru this if needed. I'm angry because I certainly could have used someone to help me through. But no, I have to do all this myself! It isn't fair! This whole thing just sucks! I'm Christian, but my faith has been destroyed. I'm so very angry at God because of everything that's happened. And I feel He gave my brother the help I desperately needed. And that just sucks! I feel left out and overlooked. And whether I was/am or not, doesn't change the fact one lil bit that He didn't come through and I've had to deal with all this alone and I'm so sick of it. I wish I could get a break like my brother did, even just once! I feel lonely, depressed, hopeless and just empty.
I hope Christmas is easier for everyone else, though I know its pretty tough and its not enjoyable like it was (at least for me). I also hope its over soon. I used to absolutely love Christmas, but I really don't care if it comes and goes without me liking it again.
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