Woman 1, World Zip

[Brenda Hoskins]

Ever try to zip up a back zipper?  It’s almost impossible.  I mean, I’m sure there is a way to accomplish that but hell if I can figure it out  And now I have this itch in the middle of my back that I cannot reach. For weeks. It’s so annoying.  I’ve stretched and tried to reach it without success.  I’ve used a brush, a kitchen utensil (for those of you who have eaten in my house, don’t worry-the dishwasher has a sanitizer setting), and even rubbed up against a door frame. Like a bear against a tree.  It still itches.  I think I need lotion on it.  How to accomplish that without being all super yoga stretchy, I don’t know.  Maybe this is just an itch or maybe this is restlessness, or the deep-seated anxiety that I have no idea what I’m doing.  What the next step is in my life?  What do I see myself doing 5 years from now? 5 months from now? Oh, hell, 5 days from now?

My first “bite out of the world” was supposed to have been this trip to Costa Rica.  Just me, brave solo woman traveler, out to see what was on the other side of the mountain.  Well, there was jungle over the mountain.  And lots of banana plantations.  Sloths, howler monkeys, and really loud birds.   I had planned to rest, relax, and meditate on my future.  I don’t know why I thought I would come out of this with some certainty about next steps. Or clarity. I obtained neither.  What I do know is that I can travel for pleasure alone and enjoy it.  I am capable of driving in another country – good thing I learned to drive a stick when I was 14 or that would have been extremely awkward.  And now, my brand new passport has its first stamp.  I can’t explain how satisfying it was to look into the very serious face of the immigration officer at the airport in San Jose and tell him, yes, it’s just me and I’m traveling alone on vacation.  He looked at me with such suspicion that I nearly confessed to something.  And then to hear that smart snap of the stamper as it made its imprint in my book.  It was like a validation of my first adventure.

Friends have advised me, “take baby steps.”  How about if I just continue to crawl for a while?  Others have expressed worry about the tone of recent posts.  I am sure that for some, what I write is really difficult to read and makes them feel uncomfortable.  For others, it may be similar to a bad car accident.  You don’t want to look but you can’t quite turn away.  It’s ok.  Look, don’t look, it really doesn’t matter.  But this isn’t about offering false hope or putting forward a brave face.   I have done enough of that.  I write what is true and real and sometimes it gets a little bit ugly. But isn’t that what life is like?  It gets very complicated and messy.   You looking for advice or neat little solutions to life’s challenges? Read Dear Abby.

I am living in a virtual fortress.  I am queen of my own domain.  I do what I want when I want and I am safe.  I have put up walls around me that were meant for protection.  The funny thing is, I find that these walls are instead suffocating me.  So, sometime ago, I took down the vats of boiling oil that I used to repel unwanted visitors.  And now, I try to feel my way along the wall, looking for a weak spot to begin chipping away at it.  I don’t seem to make much headway.  It’s like I don’t have the tools to effectively break through it.  Even, so, I continue to tap, tap, tap at the bricks and mortar knowing that some day (maybe sooner, maybe much later), I will create a crack.  That crack will eventually widen enough to let in some light.  And, hopefully, one day I will be able to climb out and see what’s on the other side of that wall.

I hope it’s a back scratcher.