Wanted: 1 human allotment of joy, gone missing about 10 months ago, deeply missed.  Glimpsed briefly on occasion but darted away again.  If seen, grab it and hold on tightly. 

Joy.  What does it mean?  How do we find it and better question, how to we hang on to it?  A couple of months back, some of my family and I were on a shuttle bus, being transported like cattle from one end to the other of a resort along with a couple of other families.  Most of the riders were lost in their own…

Ever try to zip up a back zipper?  It’s almost impossible.  I mean, I’m sure there is a way to accomplish that but hell if I can figure it out  And now I have this itch in the middle of my back that I cannot reach. For weeks. It’s so annoying.  I’ve stretched and tried to reach it without success.  I’ve used a brush, a kitchen utensil (for those of you who have eaten in my house, don’t worry-the dishwasher has a sanitizer setting), and even rubbed up against a door frame. Like a bear…

This is a difficult time of year; late winter, very early spring when everything is dry and brown.  I’ve never liked it.  I find my eyes scouring the countryside, trees, and ditches, thirsty for a glimpse of green with a kind of desperation.  There is a deep seated need to feel refreshed and reborn.  To see hope manifest.  And the thing is, if you don’t watch carefully, you’ll miss it.  It seems like suddenly, the grass is green, flowers are starting to come up, and the trees are misted with…

I cried on an airplane today. It was humiliating. Why? Why was I crying or why was it humiliating? WTF WTF WTF. I am on a plane to Costa Rica, a place I’ve wanted to visit for many years, and I am alone. I am projecting this secure, accomplished woman sitting in first class sipping wine but, the reality is that I am a very sad, lonely woman who can think about nothing more than the sheer delight of the plane crashing so I can be with him again. Stupid, I know, but I can’t help it. Would I…

Why is a woman looked upon with suspicion (or worse, pity) when she [fill in the blank] by herself.  I don’t mean to assume a victim mentality, but why is it ok for a man to dine by himself, see a movie, or, God forbid, go into a bar and have a drink by himself?  Why is a woman incredibly pathetic or looking for trouble when she does the same thing? 

I am so bored.  Down to my very bone marrow.  Is that completely awful?  I know – I’m supposed to be mourning and don’t ever doubt for a…

Warning!  Flashbacks ahead.  June 8, 2014.  The day dawned, bright and clear in North Dakota.  I was on my way home, having gotten up before the crack of dawn, to begin the last leg of my journey back from a Canadian fishing trip.  I had been gone for over a week, and was anxious to get back home to my husband.  We had spoken on the phone the night before, late, after I got back into the country and settled into my hotel room.  We talked about basically nothing, and our parting words to each…

Recently, I found myself sitting clear through the credits of a movie I had just seen and I laughed out loud.  Anyone sitting near me (and there were a couple even though it was a midweek matinee), would, I am sure, think they had missed something funny.  I laughed because I was scanning the names as they rolled by—looking for the name of one of my sons.  I know, that seems a really strange thing to do, but it has an explanation.  My husband had this theory, that if we saw the names of our…

“So, what are you doing for self-care?” asked the therapist.  Whoa, wait, what?  I’m out here dodging the minefield that is grief work and she wants to know what I’m doing to take care of myself?  What does that even mean?  Am I sleeping? Am I eating right?  Do I get any exercise? What am I doing to connect with other people?  I know it was a question that came from a place of genuine concern and caring but it hit me like a bombshell.  Another one. 

This whole journey is like learning…

When we are small, infants really, one of the major tasks we have to master is the concept of object permanence.  This means that a baby has to learn that, just because something or someone is out of sight, doesn’t mean that it or they no longer exist.  This is a major accomplishment towards the goal of establishing trust and security.  I got to thinking about that recently.  What does that mean and what can I learn from that?

No matter whether or not you believe in heaven or some…

Eight months ago, my husband gave me a gift.  It wasn't a gift that I asked for, wanted, or was even willing to accept until just now.  You see, he died.  Very suddenly and unexpectedly.  A blood clot to the lung, they told me.

What kind of a gift is that?  We weren't unhappy - quite the opposite.  We had a 30 year, mostly happy marriage.  I say "mostly" because no one is perfectly happy.  If they say they are, they are lying.  We had struggles, financial and emotional, as couples…