I still miss my mom after 42yrs.

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When she died a heart broken 10yr old boy died with her.He never has been able to move on,he lives within me.I the 52yr old man to this day share his loss.So many other close family members have passed along the way. Being born the baby of the family in a way has been a curse. Loss ,my loss does not get easier with time and living with someone who has never felt this loss makes it impossible to talk about it. I know there are people who have been dealt worse but pain is universal once this pain has been felt. The emptiness, the hole in your soul,nothing can ever fill it. I have tucked it gently away,forever skimming just under the surface. It has and continues to navigate my emotions and how I connect with the people I love. Death is a teacher, the lesson how to truly love those that are closest to you. The second lesson, how much pain comes with that love. After awhile it has turnedmy mind to mush, numb, true hhappiness eludes me and knowing thepain my passing wwill inflict on my children and grandchildren, breaks my heart even more. Driving me emotionally crazy and no-one gets it because in my family no-one has experienced this grievous, empty, soul splitting pain as I have come to understand it. I live in a emotional " Catch 22 " and it all swirls and races in my mind every day. I'm self destructing,hhardening my soul, and inadvertinly pushing those I love away. I fear I will die a bitter old man with a 10yr old boy smiling and happy knowing the wait is over and the reunion with his mom is at hand.

[Lulu]

Growing up without a Mom has to be difficult how does a young boy let go of something so precious. But its certain that your Mom wouldnt want to you to torment yourself this way not for 42 years not for the rest of your life. Would you want your chidlren and grandchildren to live in torment after your gone?  The pain is going to be there they will feel the grief of your loss but now let them feel the love you have to offer the love they want to give to you. Try to live a happy life for them and yourself am you are all worth it .