New to the Group looking to relate to someone

[Tawny]

I'm looking for other widows. I lost my husband August 21st, 2014 to suicide. And having a hard time as the one year mark approaches. Feeling isolated. Can anyone relate?

[Lulu]

Hi Tawny Im not a widow but i do understand the feeling of losing a wonderful man. I know how it feels when you realize its going to be a year since that loved one has been gone. I cant relate to suicide only the pain of losing someone so dear and the isolation. For me finding this site has helped me cope I hope you find the time to talk and share here it will help so much 

[Zyn]

Hi Tawny. I'm sorry to hear about you husband. I am writing to you because I lost my 17 year son to suicide in April of this year and I am having a hard time as well. No he was not my husband but he and I practically grew up together as I had him at the age of 19. So I really can't say he was my soul mate but he was one half of my heart. My husband (my sons father) having the other half. I often wonder how this happened as my son always seemed as if he was truly happy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever thought my son would take his own life. I have been on this site for maybe two weeks and have spoken to two people, you will be my third. Isolation I believe is something we all have to live with. Now as I am writing to you, I too feel isolated because I feel like no one knows my pain. I have spoken with my therapist and he says feeling this way even when there are lots of people around you is a normal feeling that I have to work through. No one will ever understand what I'm my head and I have to come to terms with that. Just as I will never understand what makes you feel isolated. But know that I am here to talk. I hope in some aspect that I can help you and in some you can help me. Thank you for hearing me out.
Zyn

[Tawny]

The isolation doesn't come just from losing my husband. It was a down spiral. There were four attempts before he was successful. He was active duty airforce and we lived in Arkansas. Away from all friends and family. I did what I could, but it was enough. The isolation. Part comes from losing everyone else as well. I was with him since I was eleven years old, I'm now 23. He was literally half of my life and when he killed himself I became the sole target of blame. All of our friends growing up blamed me. Said I wanted blood money, I drove him to do it etc. Aside from everyone I called a friend, his entire family hates me. I was close to his family, since I knew them from when I was a little girl. I was closer to my husbands then my own. The death has brought me closer to my brother and sister. And I have a little niece now. I have four people I care about now. But even with that, I lost anyone that knew so much about me. Anyone I felt I could relate in life. Everyone I shared memories with.
Funny thing, during my husbands first few attempts I never once thought about money. It never at any point crossed my mind. The air force put in a no contact order after his first attempt because I got hurt stopping him. I was alone, had to move out. Was in the middle of school.
My only thoughts were to try and keep it together. And try to keep him alive. At some point I realized after everyone efforts to stop him, and from.what he told me. I realized that if he wanted to kill himself he will find a way.
so, the isolation comes from losing everyone and realizing my husband is the only one who truly knew me. And realizing that everyone I called friend was never really my friend.
On a posting note, I do have a boyfriend. He has been great through this process. Saved my life, when I started getting hate messages from those who use to be my friends I wanted to join my husband.
That's a good chunk of my story, im doing better now. But going into sad couch potatoe mode of sadness. Not sure how to get out of the funk :/

[Tawny]

Zyn,
I'm sorry about your son. It's still very fresh. I'm glad you've decided to seek help. I tried to do it by myself, it took me a month or two to do what you're doing. So you're one step ahead of me ;)
Words can't describe the pain, I know leaving you in so many questions. My husband left me notes, and through out the attempts I learned and understood why. Even knowing why doesn't make it any easier to grasp or accept. So I hope you find solace in knowing how much he loved you. And remember that it's not your fault. And whatever was hurting him so, he is at peace now. I know these words won't and can't mend your broken heart. It takes time, and time seems to drag on. Keep yourself in good company, that always helps. And try and start doing little things in your free time. Things you might have wanted to do. Or things your son wanted to do and write him about it. Just remember you're not alone.

[elizabeth murray]

hi there, i am a widow too. i lost my beloved husband peter and soulmate almost 4 years ago. he was terminally ill with liver disease and also a perforated bowel that was leaking poo into his bladder it was all so ugly. they couldn't operate to save him. he would not have survived even the anaesthetic because of the severe liver damage from being a big drinker all his life. in the end he was so depressed and in pain the whole time, that he drank himself to death on 2 large bottles vodka that he drank straight. he went into a coma and died 2 weeks later in hosp.

i am over the worst of the anguish and grief, but i miss him the whole time still. i do identify with you and would like to add you as a friend here so that we can chat in private too by pm. my late husband was aristocracy, a titled royal lord,and he was also a mulitmillionaire. i took the flack at the time too, as all his friends and family thought i was after money when we met 10 years ago. but infact it was the other way round. i never knew who he was or what he had when we met and i fell in love with him for himself. when i found out the truth i felt horribly guilty and got upset every time he even bought me something or paid for something. i felt i did not deserve it, and also hated the idea of what people were thinking about me.

until this year i was very isolated too, as i had only moved here when we met 10 years ago, and knew no one. for the first 3 years i felt like a square peg in a round hole without him with me. i felt like a fish out of water without him to speak for me in company and introduce me to people he knew. i went into depression for 3 years, and then everybody made it worse saying i was a mental case, when i am actually a dr of psychology myself and worked as a therapist in mental health in the past. when i went out alone, the village gossips used to sit in the cafes and point and whisper and not speak to me. it was awful.

but the last year, i started going to the superstore every day, and started going in the cafe there. it has become my day centre now, and i would say it was the care and acceptance of the superstore staff, that has helped me out of the grief and also got me out of the depression. the last few months  ihave made some very nice friends from there, who now come round to see me at home too.

the last few weeks i have also spent quite a lot on all kinds of arts and crafts materials and tools, so now other women come to my house to do crafts with me here. i am a creative person always have been, and i have been feeling so happy the last few weeks doing crafts again, which i thought i would never feel like doing again after losing peter.

the depression that went with the grief for the first 3 years was debilitating, and like you i only wanted to join him wherever he is now. i applied to dignitas in switzerland to pay the fee to end my life legally, with a kind dr holding my hand. but now i am thankful to be alive again, and thankful for the superstore staff who brought me thru it with their kindness and their smiling faces.

i have no children, but i have 2 cats this last year, and their affection and antics has brought me a lot of happiness too. but i still miss peter, and just wish every day that he was here to share it all with me. i am not the slightest interested in any other man at my age 54, but i do have a faith that i will be reunited with peter when it is my time.

i don'tbeat myself up over my inheritance from him any more, as i now know for sure that i did truly love him, and him me. i am just too thankful to him for the security and comfort i have, and for my lovely wee home here.

my spirituality has helped me too. i do have a christian faith, but also incorporate the ancient pre christian pagan and wiccan way of life into my daily life, mainly for a healthy lifestyle and for therapy rather than for a religious thing. peter was a freemason and i have since made a study of this, and their ideals have helped me a lot too. i think about new age ideals such as the collective consciousness, that bonds us all together with an empathy. being a psychologist has also helped me to know understand all i have experienced with the grief and depression.

i can partly identify with your man too, since freud wrote that "man lives torn between ego and deathwish". we all have a death longing deep within. it's the catharsis we crave. while at the same time we all fight for our survival, which is the ego.

think of this as a mountain you are climbing. you can't see the top and wonder if there is ever going to be any end to the uphill climb. but i promise one day in the future you will reach the summit of your mountain, and look back down from the top and see all things differently, and with a whole new perspective.

would you like to add me as a friend here, and chat by pm in private too?