thanks for being here

[Jen]

I lost my husband in April of 2012 - not a year yet.  Between us there are 8 adult children that I am now responsible to.  It has been an amazing blessing sharing this loss with the kids but I feel like while I have been there for them, I haven't been there for myself.  I have no idea how to move beyond the internal despair and loneliness.  I keep up a pretty good mask when people are around but once I am alone, the feelings come back and ht me hard.  My husband was diagnosed with cancer at the end of February and he went to his reward on April 2nd.  The whiplash feeling has not let up.  Here is the hard part to admit - I know he is in his heaven because of his strong faith - I feel him watching over all of us - and I wish that were enough.  Even knowing all of that, the "what about me feeling" doesn't go away. Good for him, he is in heaven - I am left to deal with the earthly difficulties.  This  without a doubt the most unfair situation I can imagine!  At the same time I am really not proud of feeling that way.  I just needed somewhere that I could admit the truth inside me.

[Elizabeth Rann]

Hi Jen....I do so know how you feel!  I am going through the same grief/frustration/guilt issues with the loss of my Mother.  I am an only child and setting up the funeral arrangements with no assistance of any kind completely left me feeling totally unprepared and inadequate and honestly mad to be left in that position.  Her death was not expected, but she had been on her own and caring for herself well and did not want any contact with family unless absolutely necessary, dementia was creeping in and there were severe emotional issues where she could become very cruel, violent even to my children and I had to watch her from a distance these last couple of years.  

She was comfortably set financially (not a lot, but more than enough to care for regular expenses and have enough left to be comfortable.) But even though she had a financial power of attorney working with her to make sure she didn't lose what she had, nothing had been set aside for final arrangements.  I had to find a way to cover all that was lacking and I am permanently disabled with a husband who until last month had been out of work for 4 years.  We had nothing left, no savings, emergency fund, etc. and he is currently being paid below the poverty level for a family of 4 (me, spouse and two girls).  We had not come close to catching up yet and we literally took the eldest child's Christmas back (she offered and understood -she is 21) and did not spend anything on celebration, gifts, etc between us except 3 things for my youngest daughter, just so we could travel back and forth to my mother's location out of state trying to set everything up.  

Then to top it all off, a relative who lived in the same city as Mama who had offered to help because they had worked in the funeral industry, was delivering the few funds from her estate along with our funds (came from a hasty garage sale, selling a car we could not afford to fix and borrowing from utility money) to make up the difference (her funds only covered 20% of costs) and then that relative took the funds and disappeared.  The last we heard he sent text saying he would mail some of our money back to us, but he was keeping all the money that had been in her estate and part of the rest for expenses. We have yet to hear a word from him. As an only child I was appointed by the court as special administrator for funeral arrangements and I was the only one allowed to make decisions about funds, etc. He was just delivering the funds to the funeral director because we were not in town when the Funeral Home were to claim her from coroner.  

And then we had NOTHING left!  As a result we had to turn my mother over to the county coroner for an indigent cremation and she will be interred in a mass grave owned by the county.

As far as that relative was concerned if he wanted any part of her estate, he could go to probate and submit a claim at the appointed time, but what little there was of the estate was supposed to go to her funeral expense first!  That is the actual law.  While at first I was worried how to explain to the probate court why her body had to be sent into indigent care, the funeral home that was working with us came to our rescue to confirm the theft as he sent them a letter withdrawing from the arrangements he had with them, he essentially stole from them as well.  

But now, having just lost my mother in life, she is taken away in death as well I am just left with a huge sense of guilt and betrayal.  Like how dare I worry about money when she lost her life?  I let him get away with ruining everything - but I should chin up and deal with the real problem that I let her down.  And then I am immensely angry, only to collapse into a hot mess of grief, certainly not worthy of much of anything.

See, I just spent umpteen paragraphs whining, when there are beautiful people all around me who are suffering their own losses.  Jen maybe many of us are struggling with the same kinds of grief and frustration - anger even? I have absolutely no idea how to resolve any of this emotionally.  Or even what to do next.  The only thing I know is that I totally screwed (or at least allowed things to fall apart) everything up.

I understand the feeling of unfairness Jen.  It is a real feeling, a real situation.  But you have to give yourself a chance to recover Jen!  And to do that you have to give up on fighting yourself over what seems to be valid feelings that we all share. There has got to be a way to get over all this!  If not we are all doomed.  Now if I could just believe myself....

Hang on Jen!